Jokes For All Occasions Part 39

A story is told of an office-seeker in Was.h.i.+ngton who a.s.serted to an inquirer that he had never heard of Mark Twain.

"What? Never heard of _Tom Sawyer_?"

"Nope, never heard of him."

"Nor _Huck Finn_?"

"Nope, never heard of him neither."

"Nor _Puddin'head Wilson_?"

"Oh, Lord, yes!" the office-seeker exclaimed. "Why, I voted for him."

And then he added sadly:

"An' that's all the good it done me."

The aged caretaker of the Episcopal church confided to a crony that he was uncertain as to just what he was:

"I used to be the janitor, years ago. Then we had a parson who named me the s.e.xtant. And Doctor Smith, he called me a virgin. And our young man, he says I'm the sacrilege."

OBSTINACY

The old mountaineer and his wife arrived at a railway station, and for the first time in their lives beheld a train of cars, which was standing there. The husband looked the engine over very carefully, and shook his head.

"Well, what do you think of it, father?" asked the old lady.

"She'll never start," was the firm answer: "she'll never start."

The conductor waved, the bell rang, the locomotive puffed, the train moved slowly at first, then faster. It was disappearing in the distance when the wife inquired slyly:

"Well, pa, what do you think of it now?"

The old man shook his head more violently than before.

"She'll never stop," he a.s.serted; "she'll never stop!"

OMEN

The great pugilist was superst.i.tious and fond of lobster. When the waiter served one with a claw missing, he protested. The waiter explained that this lobster had been worsted in a fight with another in the kitchen. The great pugilist pushed back his plate.

"Carry him off," he commanded, "and bring me the winner."

OPTICAL ILLUSION

The sergeant rebuked the private angrily:

"Jenkins, why haven't you shaved this morning?"

"Why, ain't I shaved?" the private exclaimed, apparently greatly surprised.

"No, you ain't," the sergeant snapped. "And I want to know the reason why."

"Well, now, I guess it must be this way," Jenkins suggested. "There was a dozen of us usin' the same bit of lookin' gla.s.s, an' I swan I must have shaved somebody else."

OPTIMISM

The day laborer was of a cheerful disposition that naturally inclined to seek out the good in every situation. He was a genuine optimist. Thus, after tramping the three miles from home to begin the day's work on the ditch, he discovered that he had been careless, and explained to a fellow laborer:

"I've gone and done it now! I left my lunch at home."

Then, suddenly he beamed happily, as he added:

"And it's a good thing I did, for the matter of that, because I left my teeth at home, too."

The optimist fell from the top story of a skysc.r.a.per. As he pa.s.sed the fourth story, he was overheard muttering:

"So far, so good!"

ORIENTATION

John B. Gough was fond of telling of a laird and his servant Sandy. The two were on their way home on horseback late at night, and both were much muddled by drink. At a ford where the bank was steep, the laird fell head first into the creek. He scrambled up, and shouted to his servant:

"Hold on, Sandy! Something fell off--I heard it splas.h.!.+"

Sandy climbed down from the saddle, and waded about blindly in the shallow water, with groping hands. At last, he seized on the laird.

"Why, it's yerself, mon, as fell oof!"

"No, Sandy," the master declared stoutly. "It can't be me--here I am."

Then he, added: "But if it is me, get me back on the horse."

Sandy helped the laird to the horse, and boosted him up astride. In the dark, the rider was faced the wrong way to.

"Gie me the reins," the master ordered.

Sandy felt about the horse's rump, and, then cried out, clutching the tail:

"It waur the horse's head as fell off--nothin' left but the mane!"