Jokes For All Occasions Part 11

CURIOSITY

The colored man, pa.s.sing through the market, saw a turtle for the first time, and surveyed it with great interest. The creature's head was withdrawn, but as the investigator fumbled about the sh.e.l.l, it shot forward and nipped his finger. With a howl of pain he stuck his finger in his mouth, and sucked it.

"What's the matter?" the fishmonger asked with a grin.

"Nothin'--jest nothin' a tall," the colored man answered thickly. "Ah was only wonderin' whether Ah had been bit or stung."

DAMAGES

The child came to his mother in tears.

"Oh, mama," he confessed, "I broke a tile in the hearth."

"Never mind, dear," the mother consoled. "But how ever did you come to do it?"

"I was pounding it with father's watch?"

DANGER

One foot in the grave, and the other slipping.

DEAD CERTAINTY

On Tuesday, a colored maid asked her mistress for permission to be absent on the coming Friday. She explained that she wished to attend the funeral of her fiance. The mistress gave the required permission sympathetically.

"But you're not wearing mourning, Jenny," she remarked.

"Oh, no, ma'am," the girl replied. "You see, ma'am, he ain't dead yet.

The hanging ain't till Friday."

DEAD MEN'S SHOES

When a certain officer of the governor's staff died, there were many applicants for the post, and some were indecently impatient. While the dead colonel was awaiting burial, one aspirant b.u.t.tonholed the governor, asking:

"Would you object to my taking the place of the colonel?"

"Not at all," the governor replied tartly. "See the undertaker."

DEAFNESS

In the smoking-room of a theatre, between the acts, an amiable young man addressed an elderly gentleman who was seated beside him:

"The show is very good, don't you think?"

The old gentleman nodded approvingly, as he replied:

"Me, I always take the surface cars. Them elevated an' subway stairs ketches my breath."

"I said the show was a good one," exclaimed the young man, raising his voice.

Again, the elderly person nodded agreeably.

"They jump about a good deal," was his comment, "but they're on the ground, which the others ain't."

Now, the young man shouted:

"You're a little deaf, ain't you?"

At last the other understood.

"Yes, sir!" he announced proudly. "I'm as deef as a post." He chuckled contentedly. "Some folks thinks as that's a terrible affliction, but I don't. I kin always hear what I'm sayin' myself, an' that's interestin'

enough for me."

An excellent old gentleman grew hard of hearing, and was beset with apprehension lest he become totally deaf. One day, as he rested on a park bench, another elderly citizen seated himself alongside. The apprehensive old gentleman saw that the new comer was talking rapidly, but his ears caught no faintest sound of the other's voice. He listened intently--in vain. He cupped a hand to his ear, but there was only silence. At last, in despair, he spoke his thought aloud:

"It's come at last! I know you've been talking all this while, but I haven't heard a single word."

The answer, given with a grin, was explicit and satisfying to the worried deaf man:

"I hain't been talkin'--jest a-chewin'."

DEDICATION

The visitor to the poet's wife expressed her surprise that the man of genius had failed to dedicate any one of his volumes to the said wife.

Whereupon, said wife became fl.u.s.tered, and declared tartly:

"I never thought of that. As soon as you are gone, I'll look through all his books, and if that's so, I never will forgive him!"

DEFINITION

The schoolboy, after profound thought, wrote this definition of the word "spine," at his teacher's request.

"A spine is a long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set on the other."

DEGREES IN DEGRADATION

Phil May, the artist, when once down on his luck in Australia, took a job as waiter in a very low-cla.s.s restaurant. An acquaintance came into the place to dine, and was aghast when he discovered the artist in his waiter.