Real Life In London Part 6

Advertis.e.m.e.nt: "Bear's grease has virtues, many, great and rare; To hair decay'd, life, health, and vigour giving;

'Tis sold by----, fam'd for cutting hair,

At -----.----------------------------------- living.

Who then would lose a head of hair for trying?

A thousand tongues are heard 'I won't,' replying;

T----r no doubt with bear's grease can supply A thousand more, when they're dispos'd to buy.

No deception!--Seven Bears publicly exhibited in seven months, and not an agent on the globe's surface.--Sold upon oath, from 1L. to 10s. 6d. The smallest child will direct to ----, near the church--a real Bear over the door, where a good peruke is charged 1L.. 10s. equal to those produced by Mr. T., at B----ss's, for 2L. 12s. 6d.--Scalp 10s. 6d.~and 6d. only for hair-cutting--never refusing one s.h.i.+lling.

N. B. Bear's-grease effects wonders for the knees &c. of horses."

~57~~resided in the vicinity of Cornhill, and was for many years brought up under his roof as his nephew; in which situation, the elegance of his person, the vivacity of his disposition, and the general information he acquired, became subjects of attraction. His education was respectable for his situation, and his allowance liberal. His father however marrying a young lady of some property, and he, 'gay, light, and airy,'

falling into bad hands, found his finances not sufficient to support the company he kept, and by these means involved himself in pecuniary difficulties, which, however, (if report say true) were more than once or twice averted by the indulgent parent. In the course of time, the family was increased by two sons, but he continued the flower of the flock. At length it was intended by his father to retire, in part, from business, and leave its management to this young man, and another who had been many years in his service, and whose successful endeavours in promoting his interest were well deserving his consideration; and the writings for this purpose were actually drawn up. Previous however to their execution, he was dispatched to Edinburgh, to superintend an extensive concern of his father's in that city, where, meeting with an amiable young lady with some expectations, he married without the consent of his parent, a circ.u.mstance which drew down upon him the good man's displeasure.

"Not at all dismayed at this, he almost immediately left his father's shop, and set up business for himself in the same neighbourhood, where he continued for two or three years, living, as it was supposed, upon the produce of his matrimonial connexion. At length, however, it was discovered that he was insolvent, and bankruptcy became the consequence.

Here he remained till affairs were arranged, and then returned to London with his wife and two children.

"In the mean time, the legitimate family of his father had become useful in the business, and acquainted with his former indiscretions, which, consequently, were not likely to be obliterated from the old gentleman's recollection. Without money and without prospect, he arrived in London, where, for some unliquidated debt, he was arrested and became a resident in the King's Bench, from which he was liberated by the Insolvent Debtor's Act. Emanc.i.p.ated from this, he took small shops, or rather rooms, in various parts of the city, vainly endeavouring to ~58~~support the character he had formerly maintained. These however proved abortive.

Appeals to his father were found fruitless, and he has consequently, after a series of vicissitudes, been compelled to act as a journeyman.

In the career of his youth, he distinguished himself as a das.h.i.+ng, high-spirited fellow. He was selected as fuegel man to a regiment of Volunteers, and made himself conspicuous at the celebrated O. P. row, at the opening of Covent Garden Theatre, on which occasion he attracted the notice of the Caricaturists,{1} and was generally known in the circles of High Life, by his attendance on the first families on behalf of his father.

But perhaps the most remarkable circ.u.mstance took place at his deceased parent's funeral. Being so reduced at that time as to have no power even of providing the necessary apparel to manifest the respect, grat.i.tude, and affection, he had ever entertained for the author of his being; and as a natural son has no legal claims upon his father, so naturally nothing was left for him; he applied by letter to the legitimates for a suit of mourning, and permission to attend the remains of their common father to the last receptacle of mortality, which being peremptorily refused, he raised a subscription, obtained clothing, with a gown and hatband, and, as the melancholy procession was moving to the parish church, which was but a few yards distance, he rushed from his hiding-place, stationed himself immediately in the front of the other attendants upon the occasion, and actually accompanied the corpse as chief mourner, having previously concerted with his own mother to be upon the spot. When the body was deposited in the vault, he took her by the hand, led her down the steps, and gave some directions to the bearers as to the situation of the coffin, while the other mourners, panic-struck at the extraordinary circ.u.mstances in which they found themselves, turned about and walked in mournful silence back, ruminating on the past with amazement, and full of conjecture for the future.

1 A caricature of a similar nature to the one alluded to by Dashall in this description, was certainly exhibited at the time of the memorable 0. P. row, which exhibited a young man of genteel appearance in the pit of Covent Garden Theatre, addressing the audience. It had inscribed at the bottom of it,

Is this Barber-Ross-a?

in allusion (no doubt) to the tragedy of Barbarossa.

~59~~"It was an extraordinary situation for all parties," said Bob; "but hold, who have we here?--Egad! there is an elegant carriage drawn up to the door; some Lord, or n.o.bleman, I'll be bound for it--We can't be seen in this deshabille, I shall make my escape." And saying this, he was hastening out of the room.

"Ha! ha! ha!" exclaimed Tom, "you need not be so speedy in your flight.

This is one of the fas.h.i.+onable requisites of London, with whom you must also become acquainted; there is no such thing as doing without them--dress and address are indispensables. This is no other than one of the decorators."

"Decorators!" continued Bob, not exactly comprehending him.

"Monsieur le Tailleur--'Tin Mr. W----, from Cork Street, come to exhibit his Spring patterns, and turn us out with the new cut--so pray remain where you are."

"Tailor--decorator," said Bob--"Egad! the idea is almost as ridiculous as the representation of the taylor riding to Brentford."

By this time the door was opened, and Mr. W. entered, making his bow with the precision of a dancing-master, and was followed by a servant with pattern-books, the other apparatus of his trade. The first salutations over, large pattern-books were displayed upon the table, exhibiting to view a variety of fancy-coloured cloths, and measures taken accordingly. During which time, Tom, as on the former occasion, continued his enquiries relative to the occurrences in the fas.h.i.+onable world.

"Rather tame, Sir, at present: the Queen's unexpected visit to the two theatres was for a time a matter of surprise--the backwardness of Drury Lane managers to produce 'G.o.d Save the King,' has been construed into disloyalty to the Sovereign--and a laughable circ.u.mstance took place on his going to the same house a few nights back, which has already been made the subject of much merriment, both in conversation and caricature.

It appears that Mr. Gloss'em, who is a _s.h.i.+ning character_ in the theatrical world, at least among the minors of the metropolis; and whose father was for many years a wax-chandler in the neighbourhood of Soho, holds a situation as clerk of the cheque to the Gentlemen Pensioners of his Majesty's household, as well as that of Major Domo, manager and proprietor of a certain theatre, not half a mile from Waterloo Bridge.

~60~~A part of his duty in the former capacity is to attend occasionally upon the person of the King, as one of the appendages of Royalty; in which _character_ he appeared on the night in question. The servants of the attendants who were in waiting for their masters, had a room appropriated to their use. One of these latter gentry, no other than Gloss'em's servant, being anxious to have as near a view of the sacred person of his Majesty as his employer, had placed himself in a good situation at the door, in order to witness his departure, when a Mr.

Winpebble, of mismanaging notoriety, and also a ponderous puff, a.s.suming managerial authority, espying him, desired the police-officers and guards in attendance to turn out the lamp-lighter's boy, pointing to Gloss'em's servant. This, it seems, was no sooner said than done, at the point of the bayonet. Some little scuffle ensued--His Majesty and suite departed--Hold up your arm, Sir."

"But did the matter end there?" enquired Dashall.

"O dear, no--not exactly."

"Because if it did," continued Tom, "in my opinion, it began with a wax taper, and ended in the smoke of a farthing rushlight. You have made it appear to be a gas-receiver without supplies."

"I beg pardon," said Mr. W.; "the pipes are full, but the gas is not yet turned on."

This created a laugh, and Mr. W. proceeded:--

"The next day, the servant having informed his Master of the treatment he had received, a gentleman was dispatched from Gloss'em to Winpebble, to demand an apology: which being refused, the former, with a large horsewhip under his arm, accosted the latter, and handsomely belaboured his shoulders with l.u.s.ty stripes. That, you see, Sir, sets the gas all in a blaze.--That will do, Sir.--Now, Sir, at your service," addressing himself to Tallyho.

"Yes," said Tom, "the taper's alight again now; and pray what was the consequence?"

"Winpebble called for a.s.sistance, which was soon obtained, and away they went to Bow-street. Manager Taper, and Manager Vapour--the one blazing with fire, and the other exhausted with thras.h.i.+ng;--'twas a laughing scene. Manager Strutt, and Manager b.u.t.t, were strutting and b.u.t.ting each other. The magistrate heard the case, and recommended peace and quietness between ~61~~them, by an amicable adjustment. The irritated minds of the now two enraged managers could not be brought to consent to this. Gloss'em declared the piece should be repeated, having been received with the most rapturous applause. Winpebble roundly swore that the piece was ill got up, badly represented, and d.a.m.n'd to all intents and purposes--that the author had more strength than wit--and though not a friend to injunctions himself, he moved for an injunction against Gloss'em; who was at length something like the renowned John Astley with his imitator Rees:

"This great John Astley, and this little Tommy Rees, Were both bound over to keep the King's Peas."

Gloss'em was bound to keep the peace, and compelled to find security in the sum of twenty pounds. Thus ended the farce of _The Enraged Managers--Drury Lane in a Blaze, or Bow Street bewildered._"

"Ha! ha! ha! an animated sort of vehicle for public amus.e.m.e.nt truly,"

said Tom, "and of course produced with new scenery, music, dresses, and decorations; forming a combination of attractions superior to any ever exhibited at any theatre--egad! it would make a most excellent scene in a new pantomime."

"Ha! ha! ha!" said Mr. W. "true, Sir, true; and the duel of Lord Shampetre would have also its due portion of effect; but as his Lords.h.i.+p is a good customer of mine, you must excuse any remarks on that circ.u.mstance."

"We have already heard of his Lords.h.i.+p's undaunted courage and firmness, as well as the correctness of his aim."

"He! he! he!" chuckled W.; "then I fancy your information is not very correct, for it appears his lords.h.i.+p displayed a want of every one of those qualities that you impute to him; however, I venture to hope no unpleasant measures will result from the occurrence, as I made the very pantaloons he wore upon the occasion. It seems he is considerably _cut up_; but you must know that, previous to the duel, I was consulted upon the best mode of securing his sacred person from the effects of a bullet: I recommended a very high waistband lined with whale-bone, and well padded with horse-hair, to serve as a breast-plate, and calculated at once to produce warmth, and resist ~62~~penetration. The pantaloons were accordingly made, thickly overlaid with extremely rich and expensive gold lace, and considered to be stiff enough for any thing--aye, even to keep his Lords.h.i.+p erect. But what do you suppose was the effect of all my care? I should not like to make a common talk of it, but so it certainly was: his Lords.h.i.+p had no objection to the whalebone, buckram, &c. outside of him, but was fearful that if his antagonist's fire should be well-directed, his tender body might be additionally hurt by the splinters of the whalebone being carried along with it, and actually proposed to take them off before the dreadful hour of appointment came on. In this however he was fortunately overruled by his Second, who, by the by, was but a goose in the affair, and managed it altogether very badly, except in the instance of being prompt with the smelling-bottle, which certainly was well-timed; and it would have been a hissing hot business, but for the judicious interference of the other Second."

A loud laugh succeeded this additional piece of information relative to the _affair of honour_; and Snip having finished his measurement, colours were fixed upon, and he departed, promising to be punctual in the delivery of the new habiliments on the next day.

"I am now convinced," said Bob, "of the great importance and utility of a London tradesman, and the speed of their execution is wonderful!"

"Yes," replied Tom, "it is only to be equalled by the avidity with which they obtain information, and the rapidity with which they circulate it--why, in another half hour your personal appearance, the cut of your country coat, your complexion and character, as far as so short an interview would allow for obtaining it, will be known to all his customers--they are generally quick and acute discerners. But come, we must be making ready for our walk, it is now half-past ten o'clock--Sparkle will be here presently. It is time to be dressing, as I mean to have a complete ramble during the day, take a chop somewhere on the road, and in the evening, my boy, we'll take a peep into the theatre. Lord Byron's tragedy of Marino Faliero is to be performed to-night, and I can, I think, promise you a treat of the highest kind."

Tallyho, who had no idea of dressing again, having already been obliged to dress twice, seemed a little surprised at the proposition, but supposing it to be the ~~63~~custom of London, nodded a.s.sent, and proceeded to the dressing-room. As he walked up stairs he could not help casting his visual orbs over the banisters, just to take a bird's eye view of the scene of his morning disasters, of which, to his great astonishment and surprise, not a vestige remained--a new lamp had been procured, which seemed to have arisen like a phoenix from its ashes, and the stone pa.s.sage and stairs appeared as he termed it, "as white as a cauliflower." At the sight of all this, he was gratified and delighted, for he expected to find a heap of ruins to reproach him. He skipped, or rather vaulted up the stairs, three or four at a stride, with all the gaiety of a race-horse when first brought to the starting-post. The rapid movements of a Life in London at once astonished and enraptured him; nor did he delay his steps, or his delight, until he had reached the topmost story, when bursting open the door, lie marched boldly into the room. Here again he was at fault; a female shriek a.s.sailed his ear, which stopped his course, and looking around him, he could not find from whence the voice proceeded. "Good G.o.d!" continued the same voice, "what can be the meaning of this intrusion?--Begone, rash man." In the mean time, Tom, who was in a room just under the one into which he had unfortunately made so sudden an entrance, appeared at the door.

"What the devil is the matter now?" said Tom; when spying his cousin in the centre of the room, without seeming to know whether to return or remain, he could not restrain his laughter. Tallyho looked up, like one in a dream--then down--then casting his eyes around him, he perceived in the corner, peeping out from the bed-curtains in which she had endeavoured to hide her almost naked person, the head of the old Housekeeper. The picture was moving, and at the same time laughable.

The confusion of Bob--the fright of the Housekeeper, and the laughter of Tom, were subjects for the pencil of a Hogarth!

"So," said Tom, "you are for springing game in all parts of the house, and at all times too. How came you here?"--"Not by my appointment, Sir,"

replied the old lady, who still remained rolled up in the curtain. "I never did such a thing in all my born days: I'm an honest woman, and mean to remain so. I never was so ashamed in all my life."

~64~~"I believe the house is enchanted," cried Bob; "d---- me, I never seem to step without being on a barrel of gunpowder, ready to ignite with the touch of my foot. I have made some cursed blunder again, and don't seem to know where I am."

"Come, come," said Dashall, "that won't do--I'm sure you had some design upon my Housekeeper, who you hear by her own account is a good woman, and won't listen to your advances."