Real Life In London Part 36

This proposition was cordially agreed to by all, except Tallyho, whose attention was engrossed by a large collection of Caricatures which lay exposed in a portfolio on the table beneath the rostrum. The irresistible broad humour of the subjects had taken fast hold of his risible muscles, and in turning them over one after the other, he found it difficult to part with such a rich fund of humour, and still more so to stifle the violent emotion it excited. At length, clapping his hands to his sides, he gave full vent to the impulse in a horse-laugh from a pair of truly Stentorian lungs, and was by main force dragged out by his companions.

While seated in the comfortable enjoyment of their nips of ale, Sparkle, with his usual vivacity, began an elucidation of the subjects they had just left. "The collection of Caricatures," said he, "which is considered the largest in London, are mostly from the pencil of that self-taught artist, the late George Woodward, and display not only a genuine and original style of humour in the design, but a corresponding and appropriate character in the dialogue, or speeches connected with the figures. Like his contemporary in another branch of the art, George Morland, he possessed all the eccentricity and thoughtless improvidence so common and frequently so fatal to genius; and had not his good fortune led him towards Bow Church, he must have suffered severe privations, and perhaps eventually have perished of want. Here, he always found a ready market, and a liberal price for his productions, however rude or hasty the sketch, or whatever might be the subject of them."

~275~~ "As to books," continued he, "all ages, cla.s.ses, and appet.i.tes, may be here suited. The superficial dabbler in, and pretender to every thing, will find collections, selections, beauties, flowers, gems, &c.

The man of real knowledge may here purchase the elements, theory, and practice of every art and science, in all the various forms and dimensions, from a single volume, to the Encyclopedia at large.

The dandy may meet with plenty of pretty little foolscap volumes, delightfully hot-pressed, and exquisitely embellished; the contents of which will neither fatigue by the quant.i.ty, nor require the laborious effort of thought to comprehend. The jolly _bon-vivant_ and Baccha.n.a.l will find abundance of the latest songs, toasts, and sentiments; and the Would-be-Wit will meet with Joe Miller in such an endless variety of new dresses, shapes, and sizes, that he may fancy he possesses all the collected wit of ages brought down to the present moment. The young Clerical will find sermons adapted to every local circ.u.mstance, every rank and situation in society, and may furnish himself with a complete stock in trade of sound orthodox divinity; while the City Epicure may store himself with a complete library on the arts of confectionary, cookery, &c, from Apicius, to the "Glutton's Almanack." The Demagogue may furnish himself with flaming patriotic speeches, ready cut and dried, which he has only to learn by heart against the next Political Dinner, and if he should not 'let the cat out,' by omitting to subst.i.tute the name of Londonderry for Caesar, he may pa.s.s off for a second Brutus, and establish an equal claim to oratory with Burke, Pitt, and Fox. The----"

"Auction will be over," interrupted Bob, "before you get half through your descriptive Catalogue of the Books, so finish your nip, and let us be off."

They entered, and found the Orator hard at it, knocking down with all the energy of a Crib, and the sprightly wit of a Sheridan. Puns, bon mots, and repartees, flew about like crackers.

"The next lot, Gentlemen, is the Picture of London,--impossible to possess a more useful book--impossible to say what trouble and expence may be avoided by the possession of this little volume. When your Country Cousins pay you a visit, what a bore, what an expence, to be day after day leading them about--taking them up the Monument--down the Adelphi--round St. Paul's--across the ~276~~ Parks, through the new Streets--along the Strand, or over the Docks, the whole of which may be avoided at the expence of a few s.h.i.+llings. You have only to clap into their pocket in the morning this invaluable little article, turn them out for the day, and, if by good luck they should not fall into the hands of sharpers and swindlers, your dear Coz will return safe home at night, with his head full of wonders, and his pockets empty of cas.h.!.+"

"The d----l," whispered Bob, "he seems to know me, and what scent we are upon."

"Aye," replied his Cousin, "he not only knows you, but he knows that some of your cash will soon be in his pockets, and has therefore made a dead set at you."

"Next lot, Gentlemen, is a work to which my last observation bore some allusion; should your friends, as I then observed, fortunately escape the snares and dangers laid by sharpers and swindlers to entrap the unwary, you may, perchance, see them safe after their day's ramble; but should--aye, Gentlemen, there's the rub--should they be caught by the numerous traps and snares laid for the Johnny Raw and Greenhorn in this great and wicked metropolis, G.o.d knows what may become of them. Now, Gentlemen, we have a remedy for every disease--here is the London Spy or Stranger's Guide through the Metropolis; here all the arts, frauds, delusions, &c. are exposed, and--Tom, give that Gentleman change for his half crown, and deliver Lot 3.--As I was before observing, Gentlemen--Turn out that young rascal who is making such a noise, cracking nuts, that I can't hear the bidding.--Gentlemen, as I before observed, if you will do me the favour of bidding me--"

"Good night, Sir," cried a younker, who had just exploded a detonating cracker, and was making his escape through the crowd.

"The next lot, gentlemen, is the Young Man's best Companion, and as your humble Servant is the author, he begs to decline any panegyric--modesty forbids it--but leaves it entirely with you to appreciate its merits--two s.h.i.+llings--two and six--three s.h.i.+llings--three and six--four, going for four--for you, Sir, at four."

"Me, Sir! Lord bless you, I never opened my mouth!"

"Perfectly aware of that, Sir, it was quite unnecessary--I could read your intention in your eye--and observed the muscle of the mouth, call'd by anatomists the

~277~~ _zygomaticus major_, in the act of moving. I should have been dull not to have noticed it--and rude not to have saved you the trouble of speaking: Tom, deliver the Gentleman the lot, and take four s.h.i.+llings."

"Well, Sir, I certainly feel flattered with your acute and polite attention, and can do no less than profit by it--so hand up the lot--cheap enough, G.o.d knows."

"And pray," said Dashall to his Cousin as they quitted, "what do you intend doing with all your purchases? why it will require a waggon to remove them."

"O, I shall send the whole down to Belville Hall: our friends there will be furnished with a rare stock of entertainment during the long winter evenings, and no present I could offer would be half so acceptable."

"Well," remarked Mortimer, "you bid away bravely, and frequently in your eagerness advanced on yourself: at some sales you would have paid dearly for this; but here no advantage was taken, the mistake was explained, and the bidding declined in the most fair and honourable manner. I have often made considerable purchases, and never yet had reason to repent, which is saying much; for if I inadvertently bid for, and had a lot knocked down to me, which I afterwards disliked, I always found an acquaintance glad to take it off my hands at the cost, and in several instances have sold or exchanged to considerable advantage. One thing I am sorry we overlooked: a paper ent.i.tled, "Seven Reasons," is generally distributed during the Sale, and more cogent reasons I a.s.sure you could not be a.s.signed, both for purchasing and reading in general, had the seven wise men of Greece drawn them up. You may at any time procure a copy, and it will furnish you with an apology for the manner in which you have spent your time and money, for at least one hour, during your abode in London."

Please, Sir, to buy a ha'porth of matches, said a poor, squalid little child without a shoe to her foot, who was running by the side of Bob--it's the last ha'porth, Sir, and I must sell them before I go home.

This address was uttered in so piteous a tone, that it could not well be pa.s.sed unheeded.

"Why," said Tallyho, "as well as Bibles and Schools for all, London seems to have a match for every body."

"Forty a penny, Spring-radishes," said a l.u.s.ty bawling ~278~~ fellow as he pa.s.sed, in a voice so loud and strong, as to form a complete contrast to the little ragged Pet.i.tioner, 'who held out her handful of matches continuing her solicitations. Bob put his hand in his pocket, and gave her sixpence.

"We shall never get on at this rate," said Tom; "and I find I must again advise you not to believe all you hear and see. These little ragged run-abouts are taught by their Parents a species of imposition or deception of which you are not aware, and while perhaps you congratulate yourself with 'the thought of having done a good act, you are only contributing to the idleness and dissipation of a set of hardened beings, who are laughing at your credulity; and I suspect this is a case in point--do you see that woman on the opposite side of the way, and the child giving her the money?"

"I do," said Tallyho; "that, I suppose, is her mother?"

"Probably," continued Dashall--"now mark what will follow."

They stopped a short time, and observed that the Child very soon disposed of her last bunch of matches, as she had termed them, gave the money to the woman, who supplied her in return with another last bunch, to be disposed of in a similar way.

"Is it possible?" said Bob.

"Not only possible, but you see it is actual; it is not however the only species of deceit practised with success in London in a similar way; indeed the trade of match-making has latterly been a good one among those who have been willing to engage in it. Many persons of decent appearance, representing themselves to be tradesmen and mechanics out of employ, have placed themselves at the corners of our streets, and canva.s.sed the outskirts of the town, with green bags, carrying matches, which, by telling a pityful tale, they induce housekeepers and others, who commiserate their situation, to purchase; and, in the evening, are able to figure away in silk stockings with the produce of their labours.

There is one man, well known in town, who makes a very good livelihood by bawling in a stentorian voice,

"Whow whow, will you buy my good matches, Whow whow, will you buy my good matches, Buy my good matches, come buy'em of me."

~279~~ He is usually dressed in something like an old military great coat, wears spectacles, and walks with a stick."

"And is a match for any body, match him who can,", cried Frank Harry; "But, bless your heart, that's nothing to another set of gentry, who have infested our streets in clean apparel, with a broom in their hands, holding at the same time a hat to receive the contributions of the pa.s.sengers, whose benevolent donations are drawn forth without inquiry by the appearance of the applicant."

"It must," said Tallyho, "arise from the distresses of the times."

"There may be something in that," said Tom; "but in many instances it has arisen from the depravity of the times--to work upon the well-known benevolent feelings of John Bull; for those who ambulate the public streets of this overgrown and still increasing Metropolis and its princ.i.p.al avenues, are continually pestered with impudent impostors, of both s.e.xes, soliciting charity--men and women, young and old, who get more by their pretended distresses in one day than many industrious and painstaking tradesmen or mechanics do in a week. All the miseries, all the pains of life, with tears that ought to be their honest and invariable signals, can be and are counterfeited--limbs, which enjoy the fair proportion of nature, are distorted, to work upon humanity--fits are feigned and wounds manufactured--rags, and other appearances of the most squalid and abject poverty, are a.s.sumed, as the best engines of deceit, to procure riches to the idle and debaucheries to the infamous.

Ideal objects of commiseration are undoubtedly to be met with, though rarely to be found. It requires a being hackneyed in the ways of men, or having at least some knowledge of the town, to be able to discriminate the party deserving of benevolence; but

"A begging they will go will go, And a begging they will go."

The chief cause a.s.signed by some for the innumerable cla.s.ses of mendicants that infest our streets, is a sort of innate principle of independence and love of liberty. However, it must be apparent that they do not like to work, and to beg they are not ashamed; they are, with very few exceptions, lazy and impudent. And then what ~280~~ is collected from the humane but deluded pa.s.sengers is of course expended at their festivals in Broad Street, St. Giles's, or some other equally elegant and appropriate part of the town, to which we shall at an early period pay a visit. Their impudence is intolerable; for, if refused a contribution, they frequently follow up the denial with the vilest execrations.

"To make the wretched blest, Private charity is best."

"The common beggar spurns at your laws; indeed many of their arts are so difficult of detection, that they are enabled to escape the vigilance of the police, and with impunity insult those who do not comply with their wishes, seeming almost to say,

"While I am a beggar I will rail, And say there is no sin but to be rich; And being rich, my virtue then shall be, To say there is no vice but beggary."

"Begging has become so much a sort of trade, that parents have been known to give their daughters or sons the begging of certain streets in the metropolis as marriage portions; and some years ago some scoundrels were in the practice of visiting the outskirts of the town in sailors'

dresses, pretending to be dumb, and producing written papers stating that their tongues had been cut out by the Algerines, by which means they excited compa.s.sion, and were enabled to live well."

"No doubt it is a good trade," said Merry well, "and I expected we should have been made better acquainted with its real advantages by Capt. Barclay, of walking and sporting celebrity, who, it was said, had laid a wager of 1000L. that he would walk from London to Edinburgh in the a.s.sumed character of a beggar, pay all his expences of living well on the road, and save out of his gains fifty pounds."

"True," said Tom, "but according to the best account that can be obtained, that report is without foundation. The establishment, however, of the Mendicity Society{1}

1 The frauds and impositions practised upon the public are so numerous, that volumes might be filled by detailing the arts that have been and are resorted to by mendicants; and the records of the Society alluded to would furnish instances that might almost stagger the belief of the most credulous. The life of the infamous Vaux exhibits numerous instances in which he obtained money under genteel professions, by going about with a pet.i.tion soliciting the aid and a.s.sistance of the charitable and humane; and therefore are continually cheats who go from door to door collecting money for distressed families, or for charitable purposes. It is, however, a subject so abundant, and increasing by every day's observation, that we shall for the present dismiss it, as there will be other opportunities in the course of the work for going more copiously into it.

281~~ is calculated to discover much on this subject, and has already brought to light many instances of depravity and deception, well deserving the serious consideration of the public."

As they approached the end of the Poultry,--"This," said Dashall, "is the heart of the first commercial city in the known world. On the right is the Mansion House, the residence of the Lord Mayor for the time being."

The moon had by this time almost withdrawn her cheering beams, and there was every appearance, from the gathering clouds, of a shower of rain.

"It is rather a heavy looking building, from what I can see at present,"

replied Tallyho.

"Egad!" said Tom, "the appearance of every thing at this moment is gloomy, let us cross."