Real Life In London Part 33

"Then," continued the Hon. Tom Dashall, "it is not only admirable as a whole, its const.i.tuent and individual beauties are as provocative of respect as the ma.s.s is of our veneration. From among its innumerable excellencies--I will mention one which deserves to be held in recollection and kept in our contemplation-what is more delightful than a fine beef-steak?-spite of Lexicographers, there is something of harmony even in its name, it seems to be the key-note of our best constructed organs, (organs differing from all others, only because they have no stops,) it circles all that is full, rich and sonorous--I do not mean in its articulated enunciation, but in its internal acceptation--there--there we feel all its strength and diapas, or force and quant.i.ty."

"Admirable arrangements, indeed," said Bob. "True," continued Tom; "and all of them comparatively comfortable, according to their gradations ana the rank or circ.u.mstances of their customers. The Tavern furnishes wines, &c.; the Pot-house, porter, ale, and liquors suitable to the high or low. The st.u.r.dy Porter, sweating beneath his load, may here refresh himself with heavy wet;{l} the Dustman, or the Chimney-sweep, may sluice

1 Heavy wet-A well-known appellation for beer, porter, or ale.

~256~~Am ivory{1} with the Elixir of Life, now fas.h.i.+onably termed Daffy's."

"Daffy's," said Tallyho-"that is somewhat new to me, I don't recollect hearing it before?"

"Daffy's Elixir," replied Dashall, "was a celebrated quack medicine, formerly sold by a celebrated Doctor of that name, and recommended by him as a cure for all diseases incident to the human frame. This Gin, Old Tom, and Blue Ruin, are equally recommended in the present day; in consequence of which, some of the learned gentlemen of the sporting'

world have given it the t.i.tle of Daffy's, though this excellent beverage is known by many other names.

"For instance, the Lady of refined sentiments and delicate nerves, feels the necessity of a little cordial refreshment, to brighten the one and enliven the other, and therefore takes it on the sly, under the polite appellation of white wine. The knowing Kids and das.h.i.+ng Swells are for a drap of blue ruin, to keep all things in good twig. The Laundress, who disdains to be termed a dry washer,--dearly loves a dollop {2} of Old Tom, because, while she is up to her elbows in suds, and surrounded with steam, she thinks a drap of the old gemman (having no pretensions to a young one) would comfort and strengthen her inside, and consequently swallows the inspiring dram. The travelling Gat-gut Sc.r.a.per, and the Hurdy-Grinder, think there is music in the sound of max, and can toss off their kevartern to any tune in good time. The Painter considers it desirable to produce effect by mingling his dead white with a little sky blue. The Donkey driver and the Fish-f.a.g are bang-up for a flash of lightning, to illumine their ideas. The Cyprian, whose marchings and counter marchings in search of custom are productive of extreme fatigue, may, in some degree, be said to owe her existence to Jockey; at least she considers him a dear boy, and deserving her best attentions, so long as she has any power. The Link-boys, the Mud-larks, and the Watermen, who hang round public-house doors to feed horses, &c. club up their brads for a kevartern of Stark-naked in three outs. The Sempstress and Straw Bonnet-maker are for a yard of White Tape; and

1 Sluice the ivory--Is originally derived from sluicery, and means was.h.i.+ng, or pa.s.sing over the teeth.

2 Dollop--Is a large or good quant.i.ty of any thing: the whole dollop means the whole quant.i.ty.

~256~~the Swell Covies and Out and Outers, find nothing so refres.h.i.+ng after a night's spree, when the victualling-office is out of order, as a little Fuller's-earth, or a dose of Daffy's; so that it may fairly be presumed it is a universal beverage--nay, so much so, that a certain gentleman of City notoriety, though he has not yet obtained a seat in St. Stephen's Chapel, with an ingenuity equal to that of the _Bug-destroyer to the King_,{1} has latterly decorated his house, not a hundred miles from Cripplegate, with the words Wine and Brandy Merchant to her Majesty, in large letters, from which circ.u.mstance his depository of the refres.h.i.+ng and invigorating articles of life has obtained the appellation of the Queen's Gin Shop."

Bob laughed heartily at his Cousin's interpretation of Daffy's.

While Tom humm'd, in an under tone, the f.a.g end of a song, by way of conclusion--

"Why, there's old Mother Jones, of St. Thomas's Street, If a jovial companion she chances to meet, Away to the gin-shop they fly for some max, And for it they'd p.a.w.n the last smock from their backs;

For the juniper berry, It makes their hearts merry, With a hey down, down deny, Geneva's the liquor of life."

By this time they were at the Globe; upon entering which, they were greeted by Mortimer and Merry well, who had arrived before them; and dinner being served almost immediately, they were as quickly seated at the table, to partake of an excellent repast.

1 It is a well-known fact, that a person of the name of Tiffin announced himself to the world under this very seductive t.i.tle, which, doubtless, had the effect of bringing him considerable custom from the loyal subjects of his great patron.

LONDON VOL I. Part 2.

CHAPTER XVII

"Here fas.h.i.+on and folly still go hand in hand, With the Blades of the East, and the Bucks of the Strand; The Bloods of the Park, and paraders so gay, Who are lounging in Bond Street the most of the day-- Who are foremost in all that is formed for delight, At greeking, or wenching, or drinking all night; For London is circled with unceasing joys: Then, East, West, North and South, let us hunt them, my boys."

~258~~ THE entrance to the house had attracted Tallyho's admiration as they proceeded; but the taste and elegance of the Coffee-room, fitted up with brilliant chandeliers, and presenting amidst a blaze of splendour every comfort and accommodation for its visitors, struck him with surprise; in which however he was not suffered to remain long, for Merrywell and Mortimer had laid their plans with some degree of depth and determination to carry into execution the proposed ramble of the evening, and had ordered a private room for the party; besides which, they had invited a friend to join them, who was introduced to Tom and Bob, under the t.i.tle of Frank Harry. Frank Harry was a humorous sort of fellow, who could tell a tough story, sing a merry song, and was up to snuff, though he frequently got snuffy, singing,

"The bottle's the Sun of our table,

His beams are rosy wine: We, planets never are able

Without his beams to s.h.i.+ne.

Let mirth and glee abound,

You'll soon grow bright

With borrow'd light, And s.h.i.+ne as he goes round."

He was also a bit of a dabbler at Poetry, a writer of Songs, Epigrams, Epitaphs, &c.; and having been a long resident in the East, was thought to be a very useful guide on such an excursion, and proved himself a very ~259~~ pleasant sort of companion: he had a dawning pleasantry in his countenance, eradiated by an eye of vivacity, which seemed to indicate there was nothing which gave him so much gratification as a mirth-moving jest.

"What spirits were his, what wit and what whim, Now cracking a joke, and now breaking a limb."

Give him but food for laughter, and he would almost consider himself furnished with food and raiment. There was however a pedantic manner with him at times; an affectation of the clerical in his dress, which, upon the whole, did not appear to be of the newest fas.h.i.+on, or improved by wearing; yet he would not barter one wakeful jest for a hundred sleepy sermons, or one laugh for a thousand sighs. If he ever sigh'd at all, it was because he had been serious where he might have laugh'd; if he had ever wept, it was because mankind had not laugh'd more and mourn'd less. He appeared almost to be made up of contrarieties, turning at times the most serious subjects into ridicule, and moralizing upon the most ludicrous occurrences of life, never failing to conclude his observations with some quaint or witty sentiment to excite risibility; seeming at the same time to say,

"How I love to laugh; Never was a weeper; Care's a silly calf, Joy's my casket keeper."

During dinner time he kept the table in a roar of laughter, by declaring it was his opinion there was a kind of puppyism in pigs that they should wear tails--calling a great coat, a spencer folio edition with tail-pieces--Hercules, a man-midwife in a small way of business, because he had but twelve labours--a.s.sured them he had seen a woman that morning who had swallowed an almanac, which he explained by adding, that her features were so carbuncled, that the red lettered days were visible on her face--that Horace ran away from the battle of Philippi, merely to prove that he was no lame poet--he described Critics as the door-porters to the Temple of Fame, whose business was to see that no persons slipped in with holes in their stockings, or paste buckles for diamond ones, but was much in doubt whether they always performed their duty honestly--he called the Sun the _Yellow-hair'd Laddie_ ~260~~ --and the Prince of Darkness, the _Black Prince_--ask'd what was the difference between a sigh-heaver and a coal-heaver; but obtaining no answer, I will tell you, said he--The coal-heaver has a load at his back, which he can carry--but a sigh-heaver has one at his heart, which he can not carry. He had a whimsical knack of quoting old proverbs, and instead of saying, the Cobbler should stick to his last, he conceived it ought to be, the Cobbler should stick to his wax, because he thought that the more practicable--What is bred in the bone, said he, will not come out with the skewer; and justified his alteration by a.s.serting it must be plain enough to the fat-headed comprehensions of those epicurean persons who have the magpie-propensity of prying into marrow-bones.

Dashall having remarked, in the course of conversation, that _necessity has no law_.

He declared he was sorry for it--it was surely a pity, considering the number of learned Clerks she might give employ to if she had--her Chancellor (continued he) would have no sinecure of it, I judge: hearing the pet.i.tions of her poor, broken-fortuned and bankrupt, subjects would take up all his terms, though every term were a year, and every year a term. Thus he united humour with seriousness, and seriousness with humour, to the infinite amus.e.m.e.nt of those around him.

Merrywell, who was well acquainted with, and knew his humour, took every opportunity of what is called drawing him out, and encouraging his propensity to punning, a species of wit at which he was particularly happy, for puns fell as thick from him as leaves from autumn bowers; and he further entertained them with an account of the intention he had some short time back of pet.i.tioning for the office of pun-purveyor to his late Majesty; but that before he could write the last line--"And your pet.i.tioner will ever pun" it was bestowed upon a Yeoman of the Guard.

Still, however, said he, I have an idea of opening business as a pun-wright in general to his Majesty's subjects, for the sale and diffusion of all that is valuable in that small ware of wit, and intend to advertise--Puns upon all subjects, wholesale, retail, and for exportation. N B. 1. An allowance will be made to Captains and Gentlemen going to the East and West Indies--Hooks, Peakes, Poc.o.c.ks,{1} supplied on

1 Well-known dramatic authors.

~261~~ moderate terms--worn out sentiments and _clap-traps_ will be taken in exchange. N B. 2. May be had in a large quant.i.ty, in a great deal box, price five acts of sterling comedy per packet, or in small quant.i.ties, in court-plaster sized boxes, price one melodrama and an interlude per box. N B. 3. The genuine puns are sealed with a true Munden grin--all others are counterfeits--Long live Apollo, &c. &c.

The cloth being removed, the wine was introduced, and

"As wine whets the wit, improves its native force, And gives a pleasant flavour to discourse,"

Frank Harry became more lively at each gla.s.s--"Egad!" said he, "my intention of pet.i.tioning to be the king's punster, puts me in mind of a story."

"Can't you sing it?" enquired Merrywell.

"The pipes want clearing out first," was the reply, "and that is a sign I can't sing at present; but signal as it may appear, and I see some telegraphic motions are exchanging, my intention is to shew to you all the doubtful interpretation of signs in general."

"Let's have it then," said Tom; "but, Mr. Chairman, I remember an old Song which concludes with this sentiment--

"Tis h.e.l.l upon earth to be wanting of wine."

"The bottle is out, we must replenish."

The hint was no sooner given, than the defect was remedied; and after another gla.s.s,

"King James VI. on his arrival in London, (said he) was waited on by a Spanish Amba.s.sador, a man of some erudition, but who had strangely incorporated with his learning, a whimsical notion, that every country ought to have a school, in which a certain order of men should be taught to interpret signs; and that the most expert in this department ought to be dignified with the t.i.tle of Professor of Signs. If this plan were adopted, he contended, that most of the difficulties arising from the ambiguity of language, and the imperfect acquaintance which people of one nation had with the tongue of another, would be done away. Signs, he argued, arose from the dictates of nature; and, as they were the same in every country, there could be no danger of their being misunderstood.