Real Life In London Part 22

3 Axes--Among the swell lads, and those who affect the characters of knowing coveys, there is a common practice of endeavouring to coin new words and new modes of expression, evidently intended to be thought wit; and this affectation frequently has the effect of creating a laugh.

~164~~how do you come on with your grey, and the pie-bald poney?'

'All right and regular, my boy; matched the poney for a light curricle, and I swapped{1} the grey for an entire horse--such a rum one--when will you come and take a peep at him?--all bone, fine shape and action, figure beyond compare--I made a rare good chop of it.'

'I'm glad to hear it; I'll make a survey, and take a ride with you the first leisure day; but I'm full of business, no time to spare--I say, are, you a dealer?'

'No, no, it won't do, I lost too much at the Derby--besides, I must go and drive my Girl out--_Avait, that's the time of day_,{2} my boys--so good by--But if you should be able to pick up a brace of clever pointers, a prime spaniel, or a greyhound to match s.m.u.t, I'm your man--buy for me, and all's right--price, you know, is out of the question, I must have them if they are to be got, so look out--bid and buy; but mind, nothing but prime will do for me--that's the time of day, you know, d----n me--so good by--I'm off.' And away he went.

"Some great sporting character, I suppose," said Bob--"plenty of money."

"No such thing," said Tom, drawing him on one side--"you will hardly believe that Bill is nothing more than a Shopman to a Linen-draper, recently discharged for malpractices; and the other has been a Waiter at a Tavern, but is now out of place; and they are both upon the sharp look-out to _gammon the flats_. The former obtains his present livelihood by gambling--spends the most of his time in playing cards with _greenhorns_, always to be picked up at low flash houses, at fairs, races, milling-matches, &c. and is also in the holy keeping of the cast-off mistress of a n.o.bleman whose family he was formerly in as a _valet-de-chambre_. The other pretends to teach sparring in the City, and occasionally has a benefit in the Minories, Duke's Place, and the Fives Court."

"They talk it well, however," said Bob.

1 Swapp'd--Exchanged.

2 That's the time of day--That's your sort--that's the barber--keep moving--what am you arter--what am you up to-- there never was such times--that's the Dandy--Go along Bob, &c. are ex-pressions that are frequently made use of by the people of the Metropolis; and indeed fas.h.i.+on seems almost to have as much to do with our language as with our dress or manners.

~165~~"Words are but wind, many a proud word comes off a weak stomach,"

was the reply; "and you may almost expect not to hear a word of truth in this place, which may be termed The Sporting Repository--it is the grand mart for horses and for other fas.h.i.+onable animals--for expensive a.s.ses, and all sorts of sporting-dogs, town-puppies, and second-hand vehicles. Here bets are made for races and fights--matches are made up here--bargains are struck, and engagements entered into, with as much form, regularity, and importance, as the progress of parliamentary proceedings--points of doubt upon all occasions of jockeys.h.i.+p are decided here; and no man of fas.h.i.+on can be received into what is termed polished society, without a knowledge of this place and some of the visitors. The proceedings however are generally so managed, that the ostlers, the jockeys, the grooms, and the dealers, come best off, from a superiority of knowledge and presumed judgment--they have a method of patching up deep matches to _diddle the dupes_, and to introduce _throws over, doubles, double doubles_, to ease the heavy pockets of their burdens. The system of puffing is also as much in use here as among the Lottery-office Keepers, the Quack Doctors, or the Auctioneers; and the __Knowing ones, by an understanding amongst each other, sell their cattle almost for what they please, if it so happens they are not immediately in want of the _ready_,{1} which, by the way, is an article too frequently in request--and here honest poverty is often obliged to sell at any rate, while the rich black-leg takes care only to sell to a good advantage, making a point at the same time not only to make the most of his cattle, but also of his friend or acquaintance."

"Liberal and patriotic-minded men!" said Bob; "it is a n.o.ble Society, and well worthy of cultivation."

"It is fas.h.i.+onable Society, at least," continued Tom, "and deserving of observation, for it is fraught with instruction."

"I think so, indeed," was the reply; "but I really begin to suspect that I shall scarcely have confidence to venture out alone, for there does not appear to be any part of your wonderful Metropolis but what is infested with some kind of shark or other."

"It is but too true, and it is therefore the more necessary to make yourself acquainted with them; it is rather a long lesson, but really deserving of being learnt. You

1 The ready--Money.

~166~~perceive what sort of company you are now in, as far as may be judged from their appearances; but they are not to be trusted, for I doubt not but you would form erroneous conclusions from such premises.

The company that a.s.sembles here is generally composed of a great variety of characters--the Idler, the Swindler, the Dandy, the Exquisite, the full-pursed young Peer, the needy Sharper, the gaudy Pauper, and the aspiring School-boy, anxious to be thought a dealer and a judge of the article before him--looking at a horse with an air of importance and a.s.sumed intelligence, bidding with a trembling voice and palpitating heart, lest it should be knock'd down to him. Do you see that das.h.i.+ng fellow nearly opposite to us, in the green frock-coat, top-boots, and spurs?--do you mark how he nourishes his whip, and how familiar he seems to be with the knowing old covey in brown?"

"Yes; I suppose he is a dealer."

"You are right, he is a dealer, but it is in man's flesh, not horse flesh: he is a _b.u.m trap_{1} in search of some friend

1 b.u.m trap--A term pretty generally in use to denominate a Bailiff or his follower--they are also called Body- s.n.a.t.c.hers. The ways and means made use of by these gentry to make their captions are innumerable: they visit all places, a.s.sume all characters, and try all stratagems, to secure their friends, in order that they may have an opportunity of obliging them, which they have a happy facility in doing, provided the party can _bleed free_.* Among others, the following are curious facts:

A Gentleman, who laboured under some peculiar difficulties, found it desirable for the sake of his health to retire into the country, where he secluded himself pretty closely from the vigilant anxieties of his friends, who were in search of him and had made several fruitless attempts to obtain an interview. The Traps having ascertained the place of his retreat, from which it appeared that nothing but stratagem could draw him, a knowing old s.n.a.t.c.h determined to effect his purpose, and succeeded in the following manner:

One day as the Gentleman came to his window, he discovered a man, seemingly in great agitation, pa.s.sing and re-pa.s.sing; at length, however, he stopped suddenly, and with a great deal of attention fixed his eyes upon a tree which stood nearly opposite to the window. In a few minutes he returned to it, pulled out a book, in which he read for a few minutes, and then drew forth a rope from his pocket, with which he suspended himself from the tree. The Gentleman, eager to save the life of a fellow-creature, ran out and cut him down. This was scarcely accomplished, before he found the man whom he had rescued (as he thought) from death, slapp'd him on the shoulder, informed him that he was his prisoner, and in return robbed him of his liberty!

Another of these gentry a.s.sumed the character of a poor cripple, and stationed himself as a beggar, sweeping the crossing near the habitation of his shy c.o.c.k, who, conceiving himself safe after three days voluntary imprisonment, was seized by the supposed Beggar, who threw away his broom to secure his man.

Yet, notwithstanding the many artifices to which this profession is obliged to conform itself, it must be acknowledged there are many of them who have hearts that would do honour to more exalted situations; especially when we reflect, that in general, whatever illiberality or invective may be cast upon them, they rarely if at all oppress those who are in their custody, and that they frequently endeavour to compromise for the Debtor, or at least recommend the Creditor to accept of those terms which can be complied with.

* Bleed free--

~167~~or other, with a writ in his pocket. These fellows have some protean qualities about them, and, as occasion requires, a.s.sume all shapes for the purpose of taking care of their customers; they are however a sort of necessary evil. The old one in brown is a well-known dealer, a deep old file, and knows every one around him--he is up to the sharps, down upon the flats, and not to be done. But in looking round you may perceive men booted and spurred, who perhaps never crossed a horse, and some with whips in their hands who deserve it on their backs--they hum lively airs, whistle and strut about with their quizzing-gla.s.ses in their hands, playing a tattoo upon their boots, and shewing themselves off with as many airs as if they were real actors engaged in the farce, that is to say, the buyers and sellers; when in truth they are nothing but loungers in search of employment, who may perhaps have to count the trees in the Park for a dinner without satisfying the cravings of nature, dining as it is termed with Duke Humphrey--others, perhaps, who have arrived in safety, are almost afraid to venture into the streets again, lest they should encounter those foes to liberty, John Doe and Richard Roe."

'If I do, may I be----' The remainder of the sentence was lost, by the speaker removing in conversation with another, when Tom turn'd round.

"O," said Tom, "I thought I knew who it was--that is one of the greatest reprobates in conversation that I ever met with."

"And who is he?"

"Why, I'll give you a brief sketch of him," continued Dashall: "It is said, and I fancy pretty well known, ~168~~that he has retired upon a small property, how acquired or acc.u.mulated I cannot say; but he has married a Bar-maid of very beautiful features and elegant form: having been brought up to the bar, she is not unaccustomed to confinement; but he has made her an absolute prisoner, for he shuts her up as closely as if she were in a monastery--he never dines at home, and she is left in complete solitude. He thinks his game all safe, but she has sometimes escaped the vigilance of her gaoler, and has been seen at places distant from home.{1}

1 It is related of this gentleman, whose severity and vigilance were so harshly spoken of, that one day at table, a das.h.i.+ng young Military Officer, who, while he was circulating the bottle, was boasting among his dissipated friends of his dexterity in conducting the wars of Venus, that he had a short time back met one of the most lovely creatures he ever saw, in the King's Road; but he had learned that her husband so strictly confined and watched her, that there was no possibility of his being admitted to her at any hour.

"Behave handsome, and I'll put you in possession of a gun that shall bring the game down in spite of locks, bolts and bars, or even the vigilance of the eyes of Argus himself."

"How? d----me if I don't stand a ten pound note."

"How! why easy enough; I've a plan that cannot but succeed-- down with the cash, and I'll put you up to the scheme."

No sooner said than done, and he pocketed the ten pound note.

"Now," said the h.o.a.ry old sinner, little suspecting that he was to be the dupe of his own artifice: "You get the husband invited out to dinner, have him well ply'd with wine by your friends: You a.s.sume the dress of a Postman--give a thundering rap at her door, which always denotes either the arrival of some important visitor or official communication; and when you can see her, flatter, lie, and swear that her company is necessary to your existence--that life is a burden without her--tell her, you know her husband is engaged, and can't come--that he is dining out with some jolly lads, and can't possibly be home for some hours--fall at her feet, and say that, having obtained the interview, you will not leave her. Your friends in the mean time must be engaged in making him as drunk as a piper. That's the way to do it, and if you execute it as well as it is plann'd, the day's your own."

"Bravo, bravo!" echoed from every one present.

It was a high thing--the breach thus made, the horn-work was soon to be carried, and there could be no doubt of a safe lodgement in the covert-way.

The gay Militaire met his inamorata shortly afterwards in Chelsea-fields, and after obtaining from her sundry particulars of inquiry, as to the name of her husband, &c.

he acquainted her with his plan. The preliminaries were agreed upon, and it was deter-mined that the maid-servant, who was stationed as a spy upon her at all times, should be dispatched to some house in the neighbour-hood to procure change, while the man of letters was to be let in and concealed; and upon her return it was to be stated that the Postman was in a hurry, could not wait, and was to call again. This done, he was to make his escape by a rope-ladder from the window as soon as the old one should be heard upon the stairs, which it of course was presumed would be at a late hour, when he was drunk.

The train having been thus laid, Old Vigilance dined out, and expected to meet the Colonel; but being disappointed, and suspicious at all times, for

"Suspicion ever haunts the guilty mind,"

The utmost endeavours of the party to make him drunk proved ineffectual; he was restless and uncomfortable, and he could not help fancying by the visible efforts to do him up, that some mischief was brewing, or some hoax was about to be played off. He had his master-key in his pocket, and retired early.

His Lady, whose plan had succeeded admirably at home, was fearful of having the door bolted till after twelve, lest the servant's suspicions should be aroused. In the mean time, the son of Mars considered all safe, and entertained no expectation of the old Gentleman's return till a very late hour. When lo and behold, to the great surprise and annoyance of the lovers, he gently opened the street door, and fearful of awaking his faithful charmer out of her first slumber, he ascended the stairs unshod. His phosphoric matches shortly threw a light upon the subject, and he entered the apartment; when, what was the surprise and astonishment of the whole party at the discovery of their situation!

The old Gentleman swore, stormed, and bullied, declaring he would have satisfaction! that he would commence a civil suit! The Military Hero told him it would be too civil by half, and was in fact more than he expected;--reminded him of the ten pounds he had received as agency for promoting his amours;--informed him he had performed the character recommended by him most admirably. The old man was almost choked with rage; but perceiving he had spread a snare for himself, was compelled to hear and forbear, while the lover bolted, wis.h.i.+ng him a good night, and singing, "Locks, bolts, and bars, I defy you," as an admirable lesson in return for the bl.u.s.tering manner in which he had received information of the success of his own scheme.

"Mr. C---- on the opposite side is a Money-procurer or lender, a very accommodating sort of person, who negociates meetings and engagements between young borrowers, who care not what they pay for money, and old lenders, who care not who suffers, so they can obtain enormous interest for their loans. He is a venerable looking man, and is known to most of the young Bloods who visit here. His father was a German Cook in a certain kitchen. He set up for a Gentleman at his father's death, and was taken particular notice of by Lord G----, ~170~~and indeed by all the turf. He lived a gay and fas.h.i.+onable life, soon run out his fortune, and is now pensioned by a female whom he formerly supported. He is an excellent judge of a horse and horse-racing, upon which subjects his advice is frequently given. He is a very useful person among the generality of gentry who frequent this place of public resort. At the same time it ought to be observed, that among the various characters which infest and injure society, perhaps there are few more practised in guilt, fraud, and deceit, than the Money-lenders.

"They advertise to procure large sums of money to a.s.sist those under pecuniary embarra.s.sment. They generally reside in obscure situations, and are to be found by anonymous signatures, such as A. B. I. R. D. V.

&c. They chiefly prey upon young men of property, who have lost their money at play, horse-racing, betting, &c. or other expensive amus.e.m.e.nts, and are obliged to raise more upon any terms until their rents or incomes become payable: or such as have fortunes in prospect, as being heirs apparent to estates, but who require a.s.sistance in the mean time.

"These men avail themselves of the credit, or the ultimate responsibility of the giddy and thoughtless young spendthrift in his eager pursuit of criminal pleasures, and under the influence of those allurements, which the various places of fas.h.i.+onable resort hold out; and seldom fail to obtain from them securities and obligations for large sums; upon the credit of which they are enabled, perhaps at usurious interest, to borrow money or discount bills, and thus supply their unfortunate customers upon the most extravagant terms.

"There are others, who having some capital, advance money upon bonds, t.i.tle-deeds, and other specialties, or tipon the bond of the parties having property in reversion. By these and other devices, large sums of money are most unwarrantably and illegally wrested from the dissipated and the thoughtless; and misery and distress are perhaps entailed upon them as long as they live, or they are driven by the prospect of utter ruin to acts of desperation or the commission of crimes.