Real Life In London Part 13

"The mob you see collected there," said the Hon. Tom Dashalll, "is attracted by two circ.u.mstances--Money's new Coronation Crop, just lanched--and a broken image of a Highlander, at the door of a snuff-shop; each of them truly important and interesting of course, the elevation of one man, and the destruction of another. The poor Scotchman seems dreadfully bruised, and I suppose is now under the Doctor's hands, for he has two or three plasters on his face."

"Yes," continued Sparkle, "he has been out on a spree,{1} had a bit of a turn-up, and been knock'd down."

Upon hearing this conversation, Tallyho could not help inquiring into the particulars.

"Why the facts are simply as follows," continued

1 Spree--A bit of fun, or a frolicsome lark.

~111~~Sparkle--"in London, as you perceive, tradesmen are in the habit of exhibiting signs of the business or profession in which they are engaged. The p.a.w.nbroker decorates his door with three gold b.a.l.l.s--the Barber, in some places, (though it is a practice almost out of date) hangs out a long pole--the Gold-beater, an arm with a hammer in the act of striking--the Chemist, a head of Glauber, or Esculapius--the Tobacconist, a roll of tobacco, and of late it has become customary for these venders of pulverised atoms called snuff, to station a wooden figure of a Highlander, in the act of taking a pinch of Hardham's, or High-dried, as a sort of inviting introduction to their counters; and a few nights back, a Scotchman, returning from his enjoyments at a neighbouring tavern, stopped to have a little friendly chat with this gentleman's Highlander, and by some means or other, I suppose, a quarrel ensued, upon which the animated young Scotchman took advantage of his countryman--floored him, broke both his arms, and otherwise did him considerable bodily injury, the effects of which are still visible; and Johnny Bull, who is fond of a little gape-seed, is endeavouring to console him under his sufferings."

"Very kind of him, indeed," replied Bob.

"At any rate," said Tom, "the Tobacconist will have occasion to be grateful to the Highlander{1} for some portion of his popularity."

1 It is matter of astonishment to some, but not less true, that many tradesmen in the Metropolis have to ascribe both fame and fortune to advent.i.tious circ.u.mstances. It is said that Hardham, of Fleet Street, had to thank the celebrated Comedian, Foote, who, in one of his popular characters, introducing his snuffbox, offered a pinch to the person he was in conversation with on the stage, who spoke well of it, and inquired where he obtained it?--"Why, at Hardham's, to be sure." And to this apparently trifling circ.u.mstance, Hardham was indebted for his fortune.

The importance of a Highlander to a snuff-shop will appear by a perusal of the following fact:--

A very respectable young man, a Clerk in the office of an eminent Solicitor, was recently brought before Mr. Alderman Atkins, upon the charge of being disorderly. The prisoner, it seemed, on his return home from a social party, where he had been sacrificing rather too freely to the jolly G.o.d, was struck with the appearance of a showy wooden figure of a Highlander, at the door of Mr. Micklan's snuff-shop, No. 12, Fleet Street. The young Attorney, who is himself a Scotchman, must needs claim acquaintance with his countryman. He chucked him familiarly under the chin, called him a very pretty fellow, and, in the vehemence of his affection, embraced him with so much violence, as to force him from his station. Mr. Micklan ran to the a.s.sistance of his servant, and in the scuffle the unfortunate Highlander had both his arms dislocated, the frill that adorned his neck damaged, besides other personal injuries, which his living countryman not being in the humour to atone for, Mr.

Micklau gave him in charge to the watchman. Before the Magistrate in the morning, the young man appeared heartily sick of his folly, and perfectly willing to make every reparation, but complained of the excessive demand, which he stated to be no less than thirteen guineas. Mr. Micklan produced the remains of the unfortunate Highlander, who excited a compound fracture of both arms, with a mutilation of three or four fingers, and such other bodily wounds, as to render his perfect recovery, so as to resume his functions at Mr. Micklan's door, altogether hopeless. The Highlander, the complainant stated, cost him thirteen guineas, and was entirely new. The sum might seem large for the young gentleman to pay for such a frolic, but it would not compensate him for the injury he should sustain by the absence of the figure; for, however strange it might appear, he did not hesitate to say, that without it he should not have more than half his business. Since he had stationed it at his door, he had taken on an average thirty s.h.i.+llings a day more than he had done previous to exhibiting his attractions.

There being no proof of a breach of the peace, Mr. Alderman Atkins advised the gentleman to settle the matter upon the best terms he could. They withdrew together, and on their return the complainant reported that the gentleman had agreed to take the figure, and furnish him with a new one.

Mr. Alderman Atkins, in discharging the prisoner, recommended to him to get the figure repaired, and make a niche for him in his office, where, by using it as a proper memorial, it would probably save him more than it cost him.

The broken figure has since been exhibited in his old station, and excited considerable notice; but we apprehend he is not yet able to afford all the attractions of his occupation, for he has formerly been seen inviting his friends to a pinch of snuff gratis, by holding a box actually containing that recreating powder in his hand, in the most obliging and condescending manner--a mark of politeness and good breeding well worthy of respectful attention.

"Come," said Sparkle, "we are now in one of the princ.i.p.al thoroughfares of the Metropolis, Fleet Street, of which you have already heard much, and is at all times thronged with mult.i.tudes of active and industrious persons, in pursuit of their various avocations, like a hive of bees, and keeping up, like them, a ceaseless hum. Nor is it less a scene of Real Life worth viewing, than the more refined haunts of the n.o.ble, the rich, and the great, many of whom leave their splendid habitations in the West in the morning, to attend the money-getting, ~113~~commercial men of the City, and transact their business.--The das.h.i.+ng young spendthrift, to borrow at any interest; and the more prudent, to buy or to sell. The plodding tradesman, the ingenious mechanic, are exhausting their time in endeavours to realize property, perhaps to be left for the benefit of a Son, who as ardently sets about, after his Father's decease, to get rid of it--nay, perhaps, pants for an opportunity of doing this before he can take possession; for the young Citizen, having lived just long enough to conceive himself superior to his father, in violation of filial duty and natural authority, affects an aversion to every thing that is not novel, expensive, and singular. He is a lad of high spirit; he calls the city a poor dull prison, in which he cannot bear to be confined; and though he may not intend to mount his nag, stiffens his cravat, whistles a sonata, to which his whip applied to the boot forms an accompaniment; while his spurs wage war with the flounces of a fas.h.i.+onably-dressed belle, or come occasionally in painful contact with the full-stretched stockings of a gouty old gentleman; by all which he fancies he is keeping" up the dignity and importance of his character. He does not slip the white kid glove from his hand without convincing the spectator that; his hand is the whiter skin; nor twist his fingers for the introduction of a pinch of Maccaba, without displaying to the best advantage his beautifully chased ring and elegantly painted snuff-box lid; nor can the hour of the day be ascertained without discovering his engine-turned repeater, and hearing its fascinating music: then the fanciful chain, the precious stones in golden robes, and last of all, the family pride described in true heraldic taste and navete. Of Peter Pindar's opinion, that

"Care to our coffin adds a nail, But every grin so merry draws one out,"

he thinks it an admirable piece of politeness and true breeding to give correct specimens of the turkey or the goose in the serious scenes of a dramatic representation, or while witnessing her Ladys.h.i.+p's confusion in a crowd of carriages combating for precedence in order to obtain an early appearance at Court. Reading he considers quite a bore, but attends the reading-room, which he enters, not to know what is worth reading and add a little knowledge to his slender stock from the labours and experience of ~114~~men of letters--no, but to quiz the cognoscenti, and throw the incense over its learned atmosphere from his strongly perfumed cambric handkerchief, which also implies what is most in use for the indulgence of one of the five senses. When he enters a coffee-room, it is not for the purpose of meeting an old friend, and to enjoy with him a little rational conversation over his viands, but to ask for every newspaper, and throw them aside without looking at them--to call the Waiter loudly by his name, and shew his authority--to contradict an unknown speaker who is in debate with others, and declare, upon the honour of a gentleman and the veracity of a scholar, that Pope never understood Greek, nor translated Homer with tolerable justice.

He considers it a high privilege to meet a celebrated pugilist at an appointed place, to floor him for a quid,{1} a fall, and a high delight to talk of it afterwards for the edification of his friends--to pick up a Cyprian at mid-day--to stare modest women out of countenance--to bl.u.s.ter at a hackney-coachman--or to upset a waterman in the river, in order to gain the fame of a Leander, and prove himself a Hero.

"He rejects all his father's proposed arrangements for his domestic comforts and matrimonial alliance. He wanders in his own capricious fancy, like a fly in summer, over the fields of feminine beauty and loveliness; yet he declares there is so much versatility and instability about the fair s.e.x, that they are unworthy his professions of regard; and, perhaps, in his whole composition, there is nothing deserving of serious notice but his good-nature. Thus you have a short sketch of a young Citizen."

"Upon my word, friend Sparkle, you are an admirable delineator of Society," said Dashall.

"My drawings are made from nature," continued Sparkle.

"Aye, and very naturally executed too," replied Tom. Having kept walking on towards St. Paul's, they were by this time near the end of Shoe Lane, at the corner of which sat an elderly woman with a basket of mackerel for sale; and as they approached they saw several persons rush from thence into the main street in evident alarm.

"Come up, d----n your eyes," said an ill-favoured fellow with an immense cudgel in his fist, driving an a.s.s laden

1 Quid--A. Guinea.

115~~with brick-dust, with which he was belabouring him most unmercifully. The poor beast, with an endeavour to escape if possible the cudgelling which awaited him, made a sudden turn round the post, rubbing his side against it as he went along, and thereby relieving himself of his load, which he safely deposited, with a cloud of brick-dust that almost blinded the old woman and those who were near her, in the basket of fish. Neddy then made the best of his way towards Fleet-market, and an over-drove bullock, which had terrified many persons, issued almost at the same moment from Shoe Lane, and took the direction for Temple-bar. The whistling, the hooting, the hallooing, and the running of the drovers in pursuit--men, women, and children, scampering to get out of the way of the infuriated beast--the noise and rattling of carriages, the lamentations of the poor fish-f.a.g, and the vociferations of the donkey-driver to recover his neddy--together with a combination of undistinguishable sounds from a variety of voices, crying their articles for sale, or announcing their several occupations--formed a contrast of characters, situations, and circ.u.mstances, not easily to be described. Here, a poor half-starved and almost frightened-to-death brat of a Chimney-sweeper, in haste to escape, had run against a lady whose garments were as white as snow--there, a Barber had run against a Parson, and falling along with him, had dropped a pot of pomatum from his ap.r.o.n-pocket on the reverend gentleman's eye, and left a mark in perfect unison with the colour of his garments before the disaster, but which were now of a piebald nature, neither black nor white. A barrow of nuts, overturned in one place, afforded fine amus.e.m.e.nt for the scrambling boys and girls--a Jew old clothes-man swore upon his conscience he had losht the pest pargain vhat he ever had offered to him in all his lifetime, by dem tam'd bears of bull-drivers--a Sailor called him a gallows _half-hung ould crimp_,{1} d----d his

1 Crimp--Kidnappers, Trappers, or Procurers of men for the Merchant Service; and the East-India company contract with them for a supply of sailors to navigate their s.h.i.+ps out and home. These are for the most part Jews, who have made advances to the sailors of money, clothes, victuals, and lodgings, generally to a very small amount, taking care to charge an enormous price for every article. The poor fellows, by these means, are placed under a sort of espionage, if not close confinement, till the s.h.i.+p is ready to receive them; and then they are conducted on board at Gravesend by the Crimp and his a.s.sistants, and a receipt taken for them.

In this process there is nothing very reprehensible--the men want births, and have no money--the Crimp keeps a lodging- house, and wishes to be certain of his man: he therefore takes him into the house, and after a very small supply of cash, the grand do, is to persuade him to buy watches, buckles, hats, and jackets, to be paid for on his receiving his advance previous to sailing. By this means and the introduction of grog, the most barefaced and unblus.h.i.+ng robberies have been committed.

With the same view of fleecing the unwary poor fellows, who

"... at sea earn their money like horses, To squander it idly like a.s.ses on sh.o.r.e,"

they watch their arrival after the voyage, and advance small sums of money upon their tickets, or perhaps buy them out and out, getting rid at the same time of watches, jewellery, and such stuff, at more than treble their real value. Not only is this the case in London, but at all the out-ports it is practised to a very great extent, particularly in war time.

Happy would it be for poor Jack were this all; he is some- times brought in indebted to the Crimp to a large nominal amount, by what is called a long-sh.o.r.e attorney, or more appropriately, a black shark, and thrown into jail!!! There he lies until his body is wanted, and then the incarcerator negociates with him for his liberty, to be permitted to enter on board again.

~116~~eyes if he was not glad of it, and, with a sling of his arm, deposited an enormous quid he had in his mouth directly in the chaps of the Israelite, then joined the throng in pursuit; while the Jew, endeavouring to call Stop thief, took more of the second-hand quid than agreed with the delicacy of his stomach, and commenced a vomit, e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.n.g. with woful lamentations, that he had lost his bag mit all his propertish.

The old mackarel-woman, seeing her fish covered with brick-dust, set off in pursuit of the limping donkey-driver, and catching him by the neck, swore he should pay her for the fish, and brought him back to the scene of action; but, in the mean time, the Street-keeper had seized and carried off the basket with all its contents--misfortune upon misfortune!

"D----n your a.s.s, and you too," said the Fish-woman, "if you doesn't pay me for my fish, I'll _quod_{1} you--that there's all vat I ar got to say."

"Here's a bit of b----dy gammon--don't you see as how I am lost both my a.s.s and his cargo, and if you von't leave

1 Quod--A Jail--to quod a person is to send him to jail.

~117~~me alone, and give me my bags again, I'll sarve you out--there now, that's all--bl----st me! fair play's a jewel--let go my hair, and don't kick up no rows about it--see vhat a mob you're a making here--can't you sell your mackarel ready sauced, and let me go ater Neddy?"

"Vhat, you thinks you are a _flat-catching_,{1} do you, Limping Billy--but eh, who has run away with my basket offish?"

"Ha, ha, ha," cried Limping Billy, bursting into a horse-laugh at the additional distress of the old woman, in which he was joined by many of the surrounding spectators; and which so enraged her, that she let go her hold, and bursting through the crowd with an irresistible strength, increased almost to the fury of madness by her additional loss, she ran some paces distance in search of, not only her stock in trade, but her shop, shop-board, and working-tools; while the donkey-driver boisterously vociferated after her--"Here they are six a s.h.i.+lling, live mackarel O."

This taunt of the brick-dust merchant was too much to be borne, and brought her back again with a determination to chastise him, which she did in a summary way, by knocking him backwards into the kennel. Billy was not pleased at this unexpected salute, called her a drunken ----, and endeavoured to get out of her way--"for," said he, "I know she is a b----dy rum customer when she gets lushy."{2} At this moment, a st.u.r.dy youth, about sixteen or seventeen years of age, was seen at a short distance riding the runaway-a.s.s back again. Billy perceiving this, became a little more reconciled to his rough usage--swore he never would strike a voman, so help him G----d, for that he was a man every inch of him; and as for Mother Mapps, he'd be d----nd-if he vouldn't treat her with all the pleasure of life; and now he had got his own a.s.s, he vould go along with her for to find her mackarel. Then shaking a cloud of brick-dust from the dry parts of his apparel, with sundry portions of mud from those parts which had most easily reached the kennel, he took the bridle of his donkey, and bidding her come along, they toddled{3} together to a gin-shop in Shoe Lane.

1 Flat-catching--Is an expression of very common use, and seems almost to explain itself, being the act of taking advantage of any person who appears ignorant and unsuspicious.

2 Lushy--Drunk.

3 Toddle--To toddle is to walk slowly, either from infirmity or choice--"Come, let us toddle," is a very familiar phrase, signifying let us be going.

~118~~Desirous of seeing an end to this bit of gig--"Come along," said Sparkle, "they'll all be in prime twig presently, and we shall have some fun.

"I'm the boy for a bit of a bobbery, Nabbing a lantern, or milling a pane; A jolly good lark is not murder or robbery, Let us be ready and nimble."

Hark, (said he) there's a fiddle-sc.r.a.per in the house--here goes;" and immediately they entered.

They had no occasion to repent of their movements; for in one corner of the tap-room sat Billy Waters, a well-known character about town, a Black Man with a wooden leg was fiddling to a Slaughterman from Fleet-market, in wooden shoes, who, deck'd with all the paraphernalia of his occupation, a greasy jacket and night-cap, an ap.r.o.n besmeared with mud, blood, and grease, nearly an inch thick, and a leathern girdle, from which was suspended a case to hold his knives, and his sleeves tuck'd up as if he had but just left the slaughter-house, was dancing in the centre to the infinite amus.e.m.e.nt of the company, which consisted of an old woman with periwinkles and crabs for sale in a basket--a porter with his knot upon the table--a dustman with his broad-flapped hat, and his bell by his side--an Irish hodman--and two poor girls, who appeared to be greatly taken with the black fiddler, whose head was decorated with an oil-skinned c.o.c.k'd hat, and a profusion of many coloured feathers: on the other side of the room sat a young man of shabby-genteel appearance, reading the newspaper with close attention, and purring forth volumes of smoke. Limping Billy and Mother Mapps were immediately known, and room was made for their accommodation, while the fiddler's elbow and the slaughterman's wooden shoes were kept in motion.

_Max_{l} was the order of the day, and the _sluicery_{2} in good request. Mother Mapps was made easy by being informed the Street-keeper had her valuables in charge, which Limping Billy promised he would redeem. "Bring us a

1 Max--A very common term for gin.