Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories Part 15

_Old Gent_ (_disgusted_). "Here, waiter! Here's a--here's a--a--caterpillar in this chop!"

_Waiter_ (_flippantly_). "Yessir. About the time o' year for 'em just now, sir!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE "STATUS QUO ANTE."--_Squire_ (_desiring to improve the taste of his country friends, has introduced at his table, in the place of the usual brandied Spanish and Portuguese wines, the natural vintages of France and Germany_). "Now, Mr. Barleymead, how do you like this 'Chateau Lafitte'? Another gla.s.s----" _Farmer B._ "Thanky, sir; it's uncommon nice.--(_He had drunk a bottle or two._)--But we don't seem to get no forruder!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: COMING OUT AS A CONVERSATIONALIST

_Young Ganderson_ (_proudly conscious of the general attention_) "Oh yes, it's in _Soho_, you know. I know the place well. They give you a capital dinner for eighteenpence--wine included."

_Host_ (_proud of his cellar_). "And is the wine drinkable?"

_Young Ganderson._ "Oh yes--very good--better than the wine we're drinking now!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AN AFFECTIONATE HUSBAND

_Tomkins._ "You are going it, old fellow! Real turtle, eh? and venison to follow, eh?"

_Jobkins._ "Why, yes--you see it's my wife's birthday; and as she dines early, I thought I'd celebrate the anniversary in the city."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: MISTAKEN IDENt.i.tY.--(_As the De Smiths, to whose dinner-party he was invited, lived in the next square, Brown thought he would walk over._) _Head waiter_ (_under a wrong impression_). "This won't do, young man! We've been expectin' o' you this 'our and a 'alf!

No napkins laid, no gla.s.ses, no----!!!"

[_Brown never got over it all the evening._]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AN AWFUL CRAMMER

_Proprietor of boarding-house_ (_taking stout guest aside_). "You'll excuse me, Mr. Sharpset, but your appet.i.te is so large that I shall be compelled to charge you a s.h.i.+lling extra. It can't be done at two s.h.i.+llings!"

_Diner._ "No! For heaven's sake don't do that! I can eat two s.h.i.+llings'-worth easy; but if I have to do three--I really--afraid I should--but I'll try!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE BETTING EVIL.

_Waiter_ (_down tube_). "Wild duck, one!"

_Voice from the kitchen._ "Did he? Just like my luck. Backed another wrong 'un!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: NOT VERY LIKELY

_Waiter_ (_in response to the Colonel's very vigorous reminder_). "Oh yes, sir, immediately! 'M--let's see--a _gla.s.s of milk_, sir, wasn't it?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: FIGURATIVE

_Head Waiter_ (_the Old Gent had wished for a stronger cheese_). "Hi!

James--let loose the Gorgonzola!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: BEWILDERING

_Mr. Wuzzles_ (_up for the cattle-show_). "Cheese, waiter!"

'_Robert._' "Yessir! Rockfor', commonbare, grew'ere, noochattell, gorgumzo----"

_Mr. Wuzzles_ (_testily_). "No, no! I said _cheese_!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "ON THE FACE OF IT"

_Host._ "I don't like this Lafitte half so well as the last, Binns. Have you noticed any difference?"

_New Butler._ "Well, sir, for myself I don't drink claret; I find port agrees with me so much better!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AWFUL WARNING!--_Guest_ (_at City Company dinner_). "I'm uncommonly hungry!"

_Ancient Liveryman_ (_with feeling_). "Take care, my dear sir, for goodness' sake, take care! D' you know it happened to me at the last Lord Mayor's dinner to burn my tongue with my first spoonful of clear turtle; 'consequence was--(_sighs_)--'couldn't taste at all--anything--for the rest of the evening!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: It is quite possible to have too much of a good thing--as for example, when you get the asparagus shot over your favourite dress-coat with the silk facings.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Testy Old Uncle_ (_unable to control his pa.s.sion_).

"Really, sir, this is quite intolerable! You must intend to insult me.

For the last fourteen days, wherever I have dined, I have had nothing but saddle of mutton and boiled turkey--boiled turkey and saddle of mutton. I'll endure it no longer."

[_Exit old gent, who alters his will._