Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories Part 13

[Ill.u.s.tration: QUITE A NOVELTY.--_Amiable Experimentalist._ "Makes a delicious side dish, doesn't it? But it is not the common mushroom; it's a large fungus, called the agaricus procerus. It grows solitary in hedge rows, is called colubrinus, from the snake-like markings on its stem.

The pileus is covered with scales, which are formed by the breaking-up of the mud-coloured epidermis, and----" [_General panic takes place_]

THE DIRGE OF THE DINER

_A Restore-Wrong Rhyme_

"_Attendance is charged in the bill!_"

Delighted we sit down to dine; And order our food and our wine.

The waiter is pa.s.sing polite, We eat with a grand appet.i.te Of dishes compounded with skill.

The room is so cosy and light; The gla.s.s and the silver are bright; Our flag of defiance is furled, We seem all at peace with the world, And rest quite contented until---- Attendance is charged one and nine.

We pay its collector a fine; And give to the waiter polite A tip he regards as his right And duty of ours to fulfil!

The carver, too, looks for a fee; The man with our coat, so does he!

The porter expects something more, Who calls us a cab at the door!---- "_Attendance is charged in the bill!_"

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE GOLDEN KEY.--_Mr. Montgomerie._ "Ah! my dear boys, you're right. The extent to which our English system of 'tipping' has grown is something monstrous! Why, I can a.s.sure you--that--at some of the big country houses I stop at, it costs me a ten-pound note _to get out of 'em_!"

_Jones_ (_to his neighbour, sotto voce_). "Wonder how much it costs him to _get into_ 'em?"]

THE ECONOMICS OF SMOKING

BY JOSEPH FUME.

The man who smokes half his cigar, and puts the remainder by, knows nothing about smoking.

The man who carries no cigar-case has no right to levy contributions on those who do.

Never buy a cigar at a chemist's, they are sure to remind you of their origin. I once knew a chemist, who also sold wine and cigars, and I am sure he could only have had one workshop for his three businesses, and that was his laboratory.

Mistrust the tobacco that is given in half-payment of a bill. Such dealers may be clever in drawing a bill, but it is rarely that their cigars are distinguished for being good "drawers."

The man who smokes with wine is quite capable of taking sugar with oysters.

[Ill.u.s.tration: ANNALS OF A RETIRED SUBURB.--The Montgomery Joneses celebrated their wedding-day by giving a dinner on an unusually magnificent scale to some of their London friends. Unfortunately, an unexpected change in the weather during the afternoon has made the road up the hill rather heavy, so that the London friends omit to turn up.]

PROVERBS FOR TABLE

Set a thief to catch a thief: Think of this when eating beef.

All that glitters is not gold: Think of this when that beef's cold.

Harm is done by too much zeal: Think of this when eating veal.

Life's a jest, and all things show it: Think of this when drinking Moet.

Happiness flies Court for garret: Think of this when drinking claret.

Gold may oft be bought too dear: Think of this when drinking beer.

Many littles make a mickle: Think of this when eating pickle.

Silent fools may pa.s.s for wise: Think of this when eating rice.

Unto Rome conduct all roads: Think of this when eating toads.

Flog first fault: _principiis obsta_, Think of this when eating lobster.

While gra.s.s grows the horse may starve: Think of this when asked to carve.

Shake the tree when fruit is ripe: Think of this when eating tripe.

Fools build houses, wise men buy: Think of this when eating pie.

Pause, ere leaping in the dark: Think of this when eating lark.

Punctual pay gets willing loan: Think of _this_ when drinking Beaune.

Wisdom asks fruits, but Folly flowers: Think o' _this_ when eating cauliflowers.

Birds of a feather flock together: Think of this when the idiot of a cook has boiled the oysters in the sauce, and made them as tough as leather.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID

_Hostess._ "What fun you seem to be having over there, Captain Smiley! I wish you all sat at this end of the table!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Waiter_ (_who has "seen better days"--absently, as he pours out the champagne_). "Say when!"]

SPRING-CLEANING.