The Secret City Part 21

I had wanted to be friends with Nina and Vera--I had even longed for it--and now at the crisis when I must rise and act they were so far away from me that I could only see them, like coloured ghosts, vanis.h.i.+ng into mist.

I would go at once and see Vera and there do what I could. Lawrence must return to England--then all would be well. Markovitch must be persuaded.... Nina must be told.... I slept and tumbled into a nightmare of a pursuit, down endless streets, of flying figures.

Next day I went to Vera. I found her, to my joy, alone. I realised at once that our talk would be difficult. She was grave and severe, sitting back in her chair, her head up, not looking at me at all, but beyond through the window to the tops of the trees feathery with snow against the sky of egg-sh.e.l.l blue. I am always beaten by a hostile atmosphere.

To-day I was at my worst, and soon we were talking like a couple of the merest strangers.

She asked me whether I had heard that there were very serious disturbances on the other side of the river.

"I was on the Nevski early this afternoon," I said, "and I saw about twenty Cossacks go galloping down towards the Neva. I asked somebody and was told that some women had broken into the bakers' shops on Va.s.sily Ostrov...."

"It will end as they always end," said Vera. "Some arrests and a few people beaten, and a policeman will get a medal."

There was a long pause. "I went to 'Masquerade' the other night," I said.

"I hear it's very good...."

"Pretentious and rather vulgar--but amusing all the same."

"Every one's talking about it and trying to get seats...."

"Yes. Meyerhold must be pleased."

"They discuss it much more than they do the war, or even politics. Every one's tired of the war."

I said nothing. She continued:

"So I suppose we shall just go on for years and years.... And then the Empress herself will be tired one day and it will suddenly stop." She showed a flash of interest, turning to me and looking at me for the first time since I had come in.

"Ivan Andreievitch, what do you stay in Russia for? Why don't you go back to England?"

I was taken by surprise. I stammered, "Why do I stay? Why, because--because I like it."

"You can't like it. There's _nothing_ to like in Russia."

"There's _everything_!" I answered. "And I have friends here," I added.

But she didn't answer that, and continued to sit staring out at the trees. We talked a little more about nothing at all, and then there was another long pause. At last I could endure it no longer, I jumped to my feet.

"Vera Michailovna," I cried, "what have I done?"

"Done?" she asked me with a look of self-conscious surprise. "What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean well enough," I answered. I tried to speak firmly, but my voice trembled a little. "You told me I was your friend. When I was ill the other day you came to me and said that you needed help and that you wanted me to help you. I said that I would--"

I paused.

"Well?" she said, in a hard, unrelenting voice.

"Well--" I hesitated and stammered, cursing myself for my miserable cowardice. "You are in trouble now, Vera--great trouble--I came here because I am ready to do anything for you--anything--and you treat me like a stranger, almost like an enemy."

I saw her lip tremble--only for an instant. She said nothing.

"If you've got anything against me since you saw me last," I went on, "tell me and I'll go away. But I had to see you and also Lawrence--"

At the mention of his name her whole body quivered, but again only for an instant.

"Lawrence asked me to come and see you."

She looked up at me then gravely and coldly, and without the sign of any emotion either in her face or voice.

"Thank you, Ivan Andreievitch, but I want no help--I am in no trouble.

It was very kind of Mr. Lawrence, but really--"

Then I could endure it no longer. I broke out:

"Vera, what's the matter. You know all this isn't true.... I don't know what idea you have now in your head, but you must let me speak to you.

I've got to tell you this--that Lawrence must go back to England, and as soon as possible--and I will see that he does--"

That did its work. In an instant she was upon me like a wild beast, springing from her chair, standing close to me, her head flung back, her eyes furious.

"You wouldn't dare!" she cried. "It's none of your business, Ivan Andreievitch. You say you're my friend. You're not. You're my enemy--my enemy. I don't care for him, not in the very least--he is nothing to me--nothing to me at all. But he mustn't go back to England. It will ruin his career. You will ruin him for life, Ivan Andreievitch. What business is it of yours? You imagine--because of what you fancied you saw at Nina's party. There was nothing at Nina's party--nothing. I love my husband, Ivan Andreievitch, and you are my enemy if you say anything else. And you pretend to be his friend, but you are his enemy if you try to have him sent back to England.... He must not go. For the matter of that, I will never see him again--never--if that is what you want. See, I promise you never--never--" She suddenly broke down--she, Vera Michailovna, the proudest woman I had ever known, turning from me, her head in her hands, sobbing, her shoulders bent.

I was most deeply moved. I could say nothing at first, then, when the sound of her sobbing became unbearable to me, I murmured,

"Vera, please. I have no power. I can't make him go. I will only do what you wish. Vera, please, please--"

Then, with her back still turned to me, I heard her say,

"Please, go. I didn't mean--I didn't... but go now... and come back--later."

I waited a minute, and then, miserable, terrified of the future, I went.

IV

Next night (it was Friday evening) Semyonov paid me a visit. I was just dropping to sleep in my chair. I had been reading that story of De la Mare's _The Return_--one of the most beautiful books in our language, whether for its spirit, its prose, or its poetry--and something of the moon-lit colour of its pages had crept into my soul, so that the material world was spun into threads of the finest silk behind which other worlds were more and more plainly visible. I had not drawn my blind, and a wonderful moon shone clear on to the bare boards of my room, bringing with its rays the mother-of-pearl reflections of the limitless ice, and these floated on my wall in trembling waves of opaque light. In the middle of this splendour I dropped slowly into slumber, the book falling from my hands, and I, on my part, seeming to float lazily backwards and forwards, as though, truly, one were at the bottom of some crystal sea, idly and happily drowned.

From all of this I was roused by a sharp knock on my door, and I started up, still bewildered and bemused, but saying to myself aloud, "There's some one there! there's some one there!..." I stood for quite a while, listening, on the middle of my s.h.i.+ning floor, then the knock was almost fiercely repeated. I opened the door and, to my surprise, found Semyonov standing there. He came in, smiling, very polite of course.

"You'll forgive me, Ivan Andreievitch," he said. "This is terribly unceremonious. But I had an urgent desire to see you, and you wouldn't wish me, in the circ.u.mstances, to have waited."

"Please," I said. I went to the window and drew the blinds. I lit the lamp. He took off his Shuba and we sat down. The room was very dim now, and I could only see his mouth and square beard behind the lamp.

"I've no Samovar, I'm afraid," I said. "If I'd known you were coming I'd have told her to have it ready. But it's too late now. She's gone to bed."

"Nonsense," he said brusquely. "You know that I don't care about that.

Now we'll waste no time. Let us come straight to the point at once. I've come to give you some advice, Ivan Andreievitch--very simple advice. Go home to England." Before he had finished the sentence I had felt the hostility in his voice; I knew that it was to be a fight between us, and strangely, at once the self-distrust and cowardice from which I had been suffering all those weeks left me. I felt warm and happy. I felt that with Semyonov I knew how to deal. I was afraid of Vera and Nina, perhaps, because I loved them, but of Semyonov, thank G.o.d, I was not afraid.

"Well, now, that's very kind of you," I said, "to take so much interest in my movements. I didn't know that it mattered to you so much where I was. Why must I go?"