Jaine Austen Mystery: Killing Cupid Part 12

To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Subject: Arby's, Here We Come!

Would you believe Daddy forgot to make reservations at Le Chateaubriand? I only reminded him about 382 times. He insists he'll be able to get us a table. Oh, sure. At the last minute on Valentine's Day? Like that's ever going to happen!

Arby's, here we come.

XOXO,.

Mom

To: Jausten

From: DaddyO

Subject: Oops!

With all the Sturm und Drang of dealing with Lester "The Gasbag Romeo" Pinkus, I forgot to make dinner reservations at Le Chateaubriand.

But fear not, Lambchop! I know how to grease a palm or two.

Love 'n' snuggles from

Your ever-resourceful,

Daddy

To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Subject: Worst Valentine's Ever!

Of course there weren't any tables available when we got to Le Chateaubriand. I knew there wouldn't be. Daddy tried to slip the maitre d' some money to get us a table, but the maitre d' just flipped his quarter right back at him.

We were about to leave when Lydia Pinkus came running up to us. She and Lester had a lovely table by the window, and Lydia invited us to join them. I felt sort of funny about it, after those two dozen roses from my "Secret Admirer," but Lydia insisted.

Daddy looked none too happy as we headed across the room, but I made him promise to behave himself.

I was a fool to think he'd keep his word. He spent the entire meal glaring at Lester and muttering under his breath. When Lester made a harmless reference to his days as an amateur boxer, Daddy began bragging about his "grueling victories" on his college Ping-Pong team.

Worse, he took out his new Belgian Army Knife, the one I was crazy enough to give him for Valentine's Day, and kept talking about how the nose-hair trimmer could "kill a man" under the right circ.u.mstances.

He insisted on using the built-in corkscrew to open our bottle of wine and proceeded to shove the cork straight into the bottle. We spent the whole night picking pieces of cork off our tongues.

Daddy made a big show of giving me my Valentine's gift at the table, which turned out to be a beautiful pink cubic zirconia ring. (Daddy insists it's a diamond, but it sure looked like CZ to me.) "From your not-so-secret admirer," he said as he handed me the ring, giving Lester the evil eye.

Lydia, always gracious in any social situation, made a big fuss over my ring and tried to keep the conversation going, but it was tough sledding, what with Daddy shooting dirty looks at Lester every few seconds.

After a while, things got so tense that Lester excused himself and went to chat with Edna Lindstrom and Grace Vincent, who were sitting at a nearby table with some of the other Tampa Vistas gals. I only wished I were sitting there with them.

Eventually he came back, and I excused myself to go to the ladies' room. I'm afraid I may have had a wee bit too much wine (so much stress!) and it just raced right through me.

When I came back, I could see Lydia was at her wit's end, watching Daddy demonstrate the built-in callus remover on his Belgian Army Knife.

She excused herself and scooted off to the ladies' room. Everybody except Daddy was using any excuse in the book to get away from that awful dinner table. I myself was so upset, I couldn't eat a bite of the hot fudge sundae Daddy ordered for dessert. Well, okay, maybe I had a wee bit of ice cream. With a tad of fudge sauce. And maybe a few nuts. And a dollop of whipped cream. But that's all. I swear.

And wouldn't you know? I spilled fudge sauce on my brand new Georgie O. Armani jacket.

I swear, honey, it had to be the worst Valentine's ever!

Mom To: Jausten

From: DaddyO

Subject: Bit of a Disappointment

Well, Lambchop, I must confess Valentine's Dinner was a bit of a disappointment. Your mom and I were forced to share a table with the Stinky Pinkuses-Lydia and her perfidious gasbag of a brother, Lester.

But I showed him a thing or two.

I'm sure he was impressed with the way I opened our wine bottle with my Belgian Army Knife. And I know I put the fear of G.o.d in him when I showed him the lethal power of my nose-hair trimmer.

The highlight of the evening, of course, was when I gave Mom her diamond ring. You should have seen Lydia's eyes bugging out. Lester's too. They were green with envy. And Lester could tell he didn't stand a chance with Mom.

Yes, I put the Gasbag Romeo in his place, all right.

Happy Valentine's Day to my little Lambchop From her loving, Daddy To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Subject: Back to Normal

Daddy's strutting around, mumbling about how he put Lester Pinkus in his place, whatever that means. Oh, well. At least he seems to have given up the crazy notion that Lester has a crush on me. And so have I. Lester was nothing but a perfect gentleman at dinner. I can't believe he possibly sent me those flowers. It was probably just a mistaken delivery.

Thank heavens things can go back to normal.

Happy Valentine's Day, honey. Love you mucho.

x.x.x.

Mom

To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Subject: Oh, No!