The Slackers Guide to U.S. History Part 19

An Evil Plot.

Armed with box cutters and a deep-rooted hatred for America, fifteen men from Saudi Arabia, two from the United Arab Emirates, one from Egypt, and one from Lebanon bordered four civil airliners on the morning of September 11, 2001, with the intention of meeting Mohammad and the seventy-two virgins promised to each of them for their cowardly homicidal actions that were to follow.

The nineteen terrorists were the chosen foot soldiers, following years of planning to strike at the heart of the American community. The masterminds of the attacks were safely tucked away in less-than-luxurious caves in the mountain region of Afghanistan, watching the horrific events unfold on satellite television. Unable to acquire the weapons necessary to cause enormous destruction in the United States, the Al Qaida think tank opted for commercial aircrafts full of aviation fuel to act as the missiles they desperately desired. With their irrational dislike for the United States as their motivation, the Islamist terrorists hijacked four cross-country flights, taking over their c.o.c.kpits and turning the aircrafts into weapons of war.

American Airlines Flight 11.

American Airlines flight 11 left Boston, Ma.s.sachusetts, en route to Los Angeles, California, carrying eighty-one pa.s.sengers and eleven crew members. Fifteen minutes into the flight, five of those pa.s.sengers ignored the "stay seated with your seat belt securely fastened signs" and instead went from fare paying pa.s.sengers to hijackers as they took over the plane.

Mohamed Atta, one of the hijackers, put the flight-training skills he had recently acquired from a Venice, Florida, aviation school to work as he turned the plane away from its scheduled flight plan and instead headed toward New York City, the financial capital of the United States. Traveling at approximately 466 miles per hour, at 8:46 a.m., Atta navigated the plane into his desired destination, the north tower of the World Trade Center. Flight 11 made impact between floors ninety-three and ninety-nine, killing all on board instantly. Immediately, media speculation was that pilot error must be to blame for the tragedy.

United Flight 175.

That same morning, United flight 175 left Logan International airport with a planned arrival for LAX in Los Angeles, California. Carrying fifty-six pa.s.sengers and nine crew members, the plane was fortunately far from being filled to capacity. Playing the role of Mohamed Atta on this flight was United Arab Emirates non-Christian Marwan al-Shehhi, one of Atta's flight school companions and a member of his T-Mobile "myFaves." At 8:52 a.m., a "the sky's the limit when you put your mind to it" male flight attendant contacted United Airlines' San Francisco office to report the hijacking.

Eleven minutes later, at approximately 9:03 a.m., flight 175, traveling at a speed of 545 miles per hour, struck the neighboring south tower of the World Trade Center, instantly killing all on board along with hundreds of "must get to work on time" Trade Center employees. Immediately, speculation of pilot error for flight 11 ceased as the media began to report that the United States was under attack.

American Flight 77.

American Airlines flight 77 left Was.h.i.+ngton Dulles airport on a direct, nonstop flight to sunny Los Angeles, California, with five American-hating terrorists on board. Thirty minutes into the flight, with a belief that they were doing Allah's work, the five terrorists took control of the aircraft.

Receiving his flight training in the comfort of the Middle East - like heat of Scottsdale, Arizona, Atta and al-Shehhi's counterpart Hani Hanjour took over the piloting of the plane. Ignoring the star power of Los Angeles and its famous residents, Hanjour abandoned the Was.h.i.+ngton to Los Angeles American Airlines itinerary in favor of his own Was.h.i.+ngton to Pentagon itinerary. Before he had a chance to change his mind about taking a Hollywood stars bus tour, at approximately 9:37 a.m., he slammed the plane into the western portion of the Pentagon at a speed of 540 miles per hour, killing all sixty-four pa.s.sengers, crew, and terrorists along with another 125 employees and visitors inside the Pentagon.

United Flight 93.

United Airlines flight 93 left Newark, New Jersey, on a scheduled flight to the rainbow-flag-appreciating city of San Francisco, California. Onboard were thirty-seven pa.s.sengers and seven crew members. Approximately forty minutes into the flight, the terrorists mobilized and secured control of the plane.

Once in control, Lebanese-born Ziad Jarrah entered the c.o.c.kpit, taking on the duties of pilot despite not being on the United Airlines payroll. The hijackers herded the pa.s.sengers to the back of the plane, where several of them began to make calls to family and friends to inform them of their situation. During these conversations, the pa.s.sengers of flight 93 learned the sobering news that other planes had been hijacked earlier in the morning and used as missiles.

Realizing that the terrorists were on a suicide mission, the pa.s.sengers revolted and attempted to take back control of the plane. As the confrontation became more intense, the hijackers abandoned their plans to crash the plane into the speculated target of either the White House or United States Capitol building and instead brought the plane down in a rural area of Stonycreek Towns.h.i.+p in Somerset County, Pennsylvania. With the impact measured at 563 miles per hour, all on board died instantly.

Meet Osama Bin Laden.

With the country under attack with pa.s.senger airliners as the weapon of choice, all flights throughout the United States were grounded and those currently in the air were ordered to land immediately at the nearest airport so government officials could get a handle on the developing situation. Speculation of who was behind these acts of terrorism immediately turned to Osama Bin Laden. The Saudi Arabian national quickly became public enemy number one.

As rescue efforts continued in Manhattan at the World Trade Center, both the North and South towers crumbled to the ground under the intense heat from the raging fires. With four pa.s.senger planes crashed, two towers down, and the Pentagon severely damaged, the death toll rose to a chilling 2,976 people. With the world on our side, the American people demanded that President George W. Bush prepare an immediate and unmeasured response to the most devastating acts of terrorism ever experienced on American soil.

2003 - SECOND GULF WAR/IRAQ WAR.

A desert vacation gone wrong.

Viva Iraq.

When it comes time to get away from it all and really let loose, Las Vegas has been the preferred vacation destination for adult men for years. The bright lights, the gambling, the alcohol, and the disproportionate number of insanely hot girls has pulled men into this desert oasis for decades.

Despite the fact that Vegas off ers every vice anyone could ever want, in 2003, the Middle East - obsessed triad of Republican leaders.h.i.+p, Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld, began making plans for hundreds of thousands of their closest military friends to visit their preferred sand pit in the sun, Iraq. The thoughts of women all veiled up and covered from head to toe along with the lure of oil-driven riches proved to be irresistible for the three fun-loving pals with an infection of neocondral disease.

Prelude to a Military Kiss.

Much like a gambler with a propensity for addiction, the Bush family had been to Iraq once before and couldn't wait to get back. The First Gulf War ended in 1991 when former president George Bush Sr. negotiated the end of the conflict with a cease-fire. Bush the elder got most of what he wanted from his excursion to the desert, but like that one casino where you suffered from Reginald Denny - like luck, Bush didn't have a perfect trip either. In this case, Saddam Hussein was left in power because when Iraqi troops fled Kuwait, Bush had no mandate from the United Nations to order the United States military to march into Baghdad and forcibly remove the America-hating dictator. Disappointed but not completely deterred, Bush ordered coalition forces to pack up and come home.

DURING THE CLINTON PRESIDENCY, BUSH, THE STORY-TELLING SENIOR, WOULD RELAY ACCOUNTS OF HIS FANTASTIC TRIP TO THE IRAQI DESERT OASIS. Between AA meetings, George Jr. heard fantastic tales of easy wars and surging political popularity and thought if he was ever in a position to go, he would do just that.

Getting to the Desert, Whatever It Takes.

When the U.S. Supreme Court handed the presidency to George Bush Jr. in the 2000 election, they effectively put George in the position to fulfill his dreams of the kind of desert invasion, his father had enjoyed. Plus, he wanted to get back at that casino that was so unlucky for his father and remove Sad-dam Hussein from power. With his commitment unwavering, George began poking around, looking for an excuse to order an Iraqi vacation.

In the aftermath of the September 11, 2001, attacks Bush and his desert-hungry companions, Cheney and Rumsfeld, saw an opportunity. No attention was paid to the fact that it wasn't a great reason, as there was no direct link between Hussein and the 9/11 attacks. Nonetheless, it was still a reason. In response to the attacks, on September 20, 2001, George announced his new "War on Terror" along with the "Bush Jr. Doctrine," a philosophy of pre-emptive military action. MUCH LIKE A HUSBAND REMARKING TO HIS WIFE THAT THE GUYS ARE GOING TO VEGAS IN JUNE, BUSH WAS SETTING THE TABLE FOR HIS TRIP.

The United States Makes Up a Story.

Looking for foreign travel companions, Bush approached the United Nations about joining him on his proposed trip to Iraq. He tried to entice them with thoughts of hot, skin-blistering temperatures, but nearly everyone turned him down. Not deterred, Bush, along with his puppet, Prime Minister Tony Blair of Great Britain, ignored the need for a U.N. blessing for their travel plans and instead pumped America up for war. Looking out for his friends and former colleagues at Halliburton, d.i.c.k Cheney beat the drum of war nonstop until the United States Congress pa.s.sed a resolution in October 2002, authorizing the use of force against Iraq.

To justify the offensive to the American people, George stated that the invasion was necessary to disarm Iraq of its weapons of ma.s.s destruction, end Saddam's support of terrorism, and free the people of Iraq, hoping Americans would buy at least two out of the three. Frustrated by the lack of international support for bringing h.e.l.l to Baghdad, Bush and Blair were left with only a small coalition of the willing that included the a.s.s-kissing nations of Spain, Italy, Poland, Australia, and Denmark when hostilities commenced in March 2003.

The Morning After.

The aftermath is the stuff of recent legend. Bush famously stood in front of an enormous "Mission Accomplished" banner while on the deck of the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln for a televised speech on May 1, 2003. Oddly enough, despite George announcing the end of major combat operations in the war with Iraq, as of 2009, U.S. troops were still deployed in Iraq, heroically continuing to try to accomplish the mission he said was accomplished.

To date, no weapons of ma.s.s destruction have been located in Iraq and the smoking gun between Hussein and 9/11 has never been established. American taxpayers continue to spend billions of dollars a month on the war, as the country's credibility in the international community is at an all-time low. UNLIKE A VEGAS VACATIONER WHOSE ALCOHOL-FUELED EXPLOITS RESULT IN WAKING UP BROKE, FULL OF REGRET, AND IN THE SAME BED AS A DEAD HOOKER, BUSH JR., CHENEY, AND RUMSFELD MAKE NO APOLOGY FOR THEIR DESERT VACATION GONE WRONG.

2008 MORTGAGE AND CREDIT CRISIS.

Credit standards as loose as Tara Reid.

WTF?.

What the f.u.c.k just happened? These were the five words echoing across every city and town, big or small, throughout the United States during 2008. No state was insulated from this un-G.o.d-like question. One minute Americans were pulling the equity out of their rapidly inflating homes to purchase a gas-guzzling Hummer, and the next minute they were accessing the line of credit tied to their home to go to Vegas and buy a Vegas-style hummer from a working girl wearing a short skirt and carrying a small purse.

At the time, nothing seemed wrong with the spending. Every month, home values were appreciating significantly with no real end in sight. That was until chairman of the Federal Reserve Ben Bernanke's head reappeared from his a.s.s. As the country's financial system was blowing up in front of us and Middle America was demanding answers, some politicians and Wall Street executives were trying to deflect the possibility of investigations into the meltdown. As is the case more often than not, the whole thing started with someone's shortsighted good intentions.

Houses for Everyone!

One of the goals of both the Clinton and Bush administration was to increase home owners.h.i.+p among Americans. Henry Cisneros, Clinton's top housing advisor, in accordance with Clinton's goals of increased home owners.h.i.+p, loosened the mortgage restrictions for first-time home buyers, enabling them to buy a house they could never afford. In conjunction with the loosening standards, low interest rates coupled with huge sums of cash from foreign investors made credit easier than the captain of the cheerleading team to obtain. "Zero percent financing" and "no interest, no payments for five years" became standard procedure for consumers who might or might not be qualified for such regal treatment.

Although Clinton and Cisneros got the ball started, the Bush administration kept the good times rolling for homeowners and consumers. The home owners.h.i.+p rate, which had hovered around 64 percent for Americans from 1980 until 1994, began to rise. In 2004, this number peaked at almost 70 percent. Many of these loans were being made to people who would not be able to pay the loan back, earning the dubious "subprime loan" label.

IN 2007, BEFORE THE "WHO CAN s.h.i.+T THE BED BIGGER AND BETTER" DUELING STOCK MARKET AND HOUSING MARKET CRASHES, IT SEEMED EVERY AMERICAN HAD ONE OR MORE HOUSES. Even people without jobs had vacation homes, investment properties, and old-fas.h.i.+oned mistress-meeting condos. Cisneros, one of the architects of the mess, got caught mistress-meeting in his and was forced to leave office in 1997. As for Clinton, he was more of a home-office adulterer, using the oval office as his on-the-side location.

Bubblelicious.

As home owners.h.i.+p and demand rose as fast as a gaydar around Ryan Seacrest, so did housing prices. With increased demand for housing, and credit standards as loose as Tara Reid, home prices began to skyrocket in 2006. Americans began to think real estate prices could only go up as fast as Jenna Haze could go down, and they acted accordingly. As home prices increased, Americans used their homes like piggy banks, taking the equity out of their house again and again to fuel outrageous spending habits. Immediate gratification was the order of the day, as well as a neighborly game of "Can you top this?"

Regulatory changes allowed mortgage originators to sell their loans to other inst.i.tutions. These mortgages were often sold off in groups, disguising the real risk behind some of the riskier borrowers. Credit rating agencies like Standard and Poors rated these packaged loan products AAA - their highest safety rating. With the ability to quickly pa.s.s packaged loans off to somebody else, loan underwriting standards became nearly unnecessary. n.o.body seemed to care if the home buyer was unqualified, as long as it blew up on somebody else.

Underwriters were pressured to inflate home values to help push loans through. Home buyers with no job, no income, and no a.s.sets became known as "Ninja Loans" in the industry. "No doc" loans and "Stated Income" loans allowed borrowers to make up any number for their annual income in order to fit the house they wanted. To make things even more comical, two-thirds of these subprime loans were of the adjustable-rate variety. The interest rate was set for one month or one year at a time, resulting in the required mortgage payment to go up if and when interest rates went up.

Despite being ninjas, millions of families could no longer keep up with their increasing mortgage payments. As the housing boom slowed, home values stopped their furious increases. Consumers, lulled to sleep by the easy credit, overextended themselves, buying second and third homes. As the party came to an end and the housing bubble burst, homeowners found themselves f.u.c.ked and stuck and standing in long lines at the bank to turn in the keys to their now foreclosed home.

Fallout Boy.

As the home-buying ninjas and other underqualified borrowers continued to default on their mortgages, inst.i.tutions like Bear Stearns and Was.h.i.+ngton Mutual were forced to seek business partners.h.i.+ps with other nearly bankrupt ent.i.ties to prevent themselves from going out of business. Major financial inst.i.tutions reported losses of over $400 billion and climbing from the mortgage mess. The federal government, acting as the only ent.i.ty large enough to do anything, injected $100 million into both Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. Not to be outdone, Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson, along with Bernanke, pulled congressional strings in order to get Congress to pa.s.s a $700 billion bailout package to rescue lending inst.i.tutions and prevent panic in our financial markets.

The lesson for Americans in all of this was simple; if you find a company that is willing to lend you more money than you can afford to pay back to buy a house that you ultimately cannot pay for, don't worry about the guilt, the federal government will square things up with the lender after you move out and find a larger more unaffordable home for you and your family.